This past week, we as a nation celebrated one of our greatest holidays: Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks. Like the Pilgrims gave thanks for Squanto and Samoset and their corn, Americans give thanks for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the Dallas Cowboys (sorry Detroit fans) and great shopping deals.

Every family has some traditions that are almost religious. My family being completely and 100 percent normal also has traditions. One tradition that our family has is watching football. Don’t get me wrong; I love football. Anyone who listens to my radio show knows I love football.

But I can’t even move because I’ve eaten so much. Do you really think that I want to squeeze on the tiny couch located in my grandparent’s living room with all of my relatives who I only see twice a year? Of course I do!

Another tradition our family has is listening to Christmas music on Thanksgiving Day. I don’t understand this. It’s not even December yet and we’re already blasting one of Rod Stewart’s Christmas albums. Stop it, Rod. Stop.

The only Christmas music I like is the Charlie Brown music. Once for a Secret Santa gift, someone pawned this CD off on me. Boy, did they lose a gem! Seriously, this CD is amazing. It successfully captured Christmas in the form of a compact disc.

The most boring drive in the history of driving is driving on Interstate 20. Picture this, if you can: magnificent pine trees all around you, rolling hills that shine like justice when the sunset hits them and wild Texas bluebonnets caught in the middle of the road. If that isn’t the epitome of boring, then I don’t know what it is.

Since my $800 iPod connector decided not to work, I was given the opportunity to listen to CD’s. And since I forgot my CD case in my dorm room, I was given the rare gift of silence.

With all this silence, it got me thinking. There are so many Christmas songs, but what about other holidays? Sure, there’s Thriller for Halloween, and a multitude of Christian songs for Easter, but what about the nitty gritty holidays like Arbor Day, Columbus Day and of course Thanksgiving.

Well, followers and disciples of the John Paul Green Project, you’re in for a treat. Because today, I give you a very special early Chrismahanakwanzakah gift: a fake interview with the one, the only, Nicholas Martinez.

John Paul Green: Mr. Martinez it is an honor to meet you.

Nicholas Martinez: Oh, please. The pleasure is all mine. But actually it’s “Sir Nicholas Martinez.” I was knighted.

JPG: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry.

NM: It’s fine. Happens all the time.

JPG: Well, okay then. Well for those uneducated readers who know nothing of your brilliance, could you go ahead and name a few things you’ve done?

NM: Sure…Well, I did Don’t Cut That Tree Down for Arbor Day, It’s Abraham Lincoln’s Birthday Today for Abraham Lincoln’s Birthday, and my favorite Time of the Year…

JPG: The last one was for Christmas, right?

NM: No, Labor Day.

JPG: Got it. Well, what are your upcoming projects?

NM: I’ve just signed with Lou Bega and The Eagles to do a song for Columbus Day. I can’t really talk too much about it, but look for it on iTunes soon.

JPG: Sir Martinez, thank you very much for talking with me today.

NM: Thank you, John Paul. And may I just say, you are the greatest writer I have ever encountered. You are a true wordsmith, sir. I thank you for contributing to society.

Did I just spend three hours writing a fake conversation between myself and a songwriter named Sir Nicholas Martinez? You betcha.

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].