Item one: books on film. There’s a fantastic novel called, “Into the Wild,” a story as tightly strung together as possible when the subject is a counterculture hitchhiking Kerouac named Chris McCandles. There’s also a movie starring Sean Penn regarding a 14-year-old waitress falling in love with a traveling hippy. They have the same name, but one caters to illiterate mongoloids with expendable incomes and a limited imagination.
The last time I saw a movie instead of reading the book was “Jane Eyre” for Literary Studies 2316 in my sophomore year. I wrote a three page paper on it and got a B-plus. This might seem a little hypocritical, but if you know anything about Victorian literature, you know that it really does cater more to film or a dumpster than the pages of a novel.
If we have to make a film about a book, I nominate “Riders.” This little gem has all the elements of a good film. If you’ve never seen it, go on Amazon and just look at the cover. That’s an Oscar winner.
On a side note, if you go to the Barnes and Noble at Mockingbird and I-75, you will find that erotic fiction is located in the self-help section. Go figure.
Another awesome event was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, pronounced “The Iranian Guy” speaking at Columbia University. People protested his right to free speech, but any real American would support his rights.
The man educated the crowd. Until two days ago, the scientific community and most of the world understood homosexuality to be a biological quirk or at least an ubiquitous moral eccentricity. However, we as a community learned that homosexuality does not exist in Iran. Clearly the gay gene has not infested the Iranian race. Maybe they purged it in some kind of Holocaust. Oh wait, that didn’t happen either. My bad, I forgot six million Jews invented space travel early with their Gypsy slave corps and took off for Alpha Centauri with all the world’s banking information, gold, famous paintings and Polish Rabbis immediately after kidnapping a bunch of other Jews to indoctrinate under hypnosis.
How could we have ignored this? Ahmadinejad also takes the pulpit for many of America’s closeted social issues. After all, someone’s got to stand up for the rapists, wife beaters and the right to throw rocks at teenage lovers until they are dead.
In other news, the Drug Task Force apparently received a butt-load of money from the Student Senate and now has a list of dealers compiled from text messages and students they blackmail into ratting out their friends. This is good because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all the data, it is that the war on drugs has systematically reduced the potency, prevalence and usage ever since it’s beginning in 1988 and now we live in a country where the only people who use drugs are rapists, pedophiles, Rush Limbaugh and President George W. Bush before he found Jesus. This works for drug abuse but not for actual crimes because forgiveness from God doesn’t count if the law catches you first.
We are so fortunate to live in a country where the war on drugs works and doesn’t waste any money. At least the Drug Task Force can make it so I must never again mourn over the loss of a friend to a marijuana overdose. It really is worse than alcohol, that’s why stoned driving kills more people than alcohol, cigarettes and no-knock, radio-warrant police raids where the wrong house is invaded and the occupants are shot.
If only everyone could flawlessly serve justice with as even and steady a hand as the police. Not all police are bad, one out of six serves to protect the peace, but it seems like whenever I get pulled over, it’s by the junior college dropout three tickets shy of the precinct coffee maker raffle.
There’s also that shooting up at Delaware State University. Some kid shot two others, which is strange because if I had the magical powers necessary to acquire and illegally use a firearm despite gun-control laws, I’d probably just shoot lightning bolts from outerspace and commit my capital offense in style.
And I know this is callous, but you have to wonder what people are writing on his Facebook wall right now. I mean despite all the horrible pain involved in this, there’s at least one “hilarious joker” logging in with, “Nice shootin,’ buddy.” We live in America, the land of heroes.
Social justice: that’s a good topic. The Drug Task Force, which represents a huge threat to myself and thousands of other undiagnosed glaucomatose college students, wants to stamp out the scourge of drugs. Naturally, they will focus on marijuana because it’s easy and the dealers don’t put up as much of a fight as real criminals like crack dealers and murderers. So instead of addressing the social issues, such as the soul-destroying emptiness SMU masks with money and sex, they’re just going to rappel through some windows on their Segways or something and call it a day.
Now a lot of people are going to get their panties in a knot at the notion of depressed Mustangs, but drugs don’t fall out of the sky, and everyone who died last semester bought their end with money. That might be a bigger issue than the dealers themselves, but who wants personal accountability anyway?
Instead of getting law enforcement involved with their tasers and the inability to stop a Korean sociopath from walking across a locked-down campus to shoot up thirty of his classmates, why don’t we just have pizza and beer, which is a good drug, at McFarlin while the theater department puts on a show of “Goodfellas.” I’d rather see Ray Liotta, but since college is the last gig 90 percent of actors successfully land, we might as well stretch that 15 minutes to the second. “Stuff Happens” opens this weekend.
School shootings came up earlier, and this will scare a lot of people. Apparantly, if a shooter walks onto campus with a gun, teachers are instructed to lock the doors from the inside. That’s right, the teachers are going to lock the wooden doors so that unarmed students cannot get out. It’s too bad they didn’t do this at Appalachian State Law School five years ago when two students went out to their cars to retrieve personal firearms in order to subdue a gunman on a murderous rampage. Imagine how much more successful Peter Odighizuwa could have been had he known that every classroom contained trapped, unarmed victims with no way out. He could have been a hero but instead he was able to kill only the dean and another professor.
Apparantly nobody told him about gun control either. We’re going to need a leaflet campaign.
Peace out.
Questions? Comments? Austin Rucker is a senior English major and can be reached for comment at
