Guy Talk

Sure you can talk the guy talk but can you walk the guywalk?

For starters make sure that your shoes are on the right feet.Now left, right, left, right, there you go. For those of you stillhaving trouble welcome to Guy Talk. This is your answer forquestions in sports, romance, fashion, education, and sociallife.

This is your opportunity to vent your frustrations and askquestions that might not fall into the PG-13 rating. A wise manonce said, “Help me, help you.” That is exactly whatI’m here to do.

Every week I will open up my e-mail address to the students,faculty and staff on the Hilltop. Please do not send pictures.

You might ask what qualifies me for giving advice. The answer issimple. I came up to the paper and took the initiative. Plus, I cantie a knot in a cherry stem using my tongue. But here are a few ofmy other qualifications.

I have the ability to understand the human mind. Intelligenceand I are like bananas and peanut butter — the more I sitaround and rot, the more flavor I waste. Think about that analogy.Once you figure it out try to lick your elbow, don’t startreading again until you accomplish the task.

The D+ I received in philosophy freshman year was a fluke. Mytextbook was in Russian, I promise.

I grew up surrounded by athletics. My mother told me I was anatural athlete. My mother also told me that if I ate watermelonseeds a watermelon would start to grow in my pants, let’sjust say I haven’t been so lucky. As far as I know I’mthe only person to be cut by two different varsity sports atSMU.

I now realize that when coaches told me, “if you give ityour all you have won half the battle,” they really meant youstink.

My romantic side is endless. Nice guy is my middle name.Actually my middle name is Herman. Laugh it up; my Dad was drunkwhen he picked it.

I have been dumped by all of the 11 girls I have dated. My luckis bound to change. Lots of guys don’t lose their virginityuntil they are 20. (Normally they live in West Virginia anddon’t have a sister.) I don’t mind being different.

You might confuse my fashion sense for thegarage-sale-you-went-to-last-weekend look. I don’t know whatall of the fuss is about; raspberry pie is way better than this newBurberry pie everyone is talking about. I live in sandals, warm-upsand T-shirts. My idea of dressing up is wearing a shirt thatdoesn’t have a number on the back, jeans with a hole in justone knee and trimming all of my toe hair.

Back home my high school buddies called me the party animal. Youdon’t believe me? I didn’t have my first drink untilcollege. My first offering to the porcelain god was at 19. Dr.Pepper and I have been dating for the last three years. There mightbe a future.

The ball is now rolling, the car is in drive, the oven has beenturned on, the belt hit the floor, the exam is underway, and thefat lady is warming her vocals. You know all about me and I am hereto learn more about you. Help is as simple as an e-mail away.

I can’t wait to hear from you and I hope I can help.Adios. That means goodbye in Spanish. �

Guy Talk