Keep your private time private

Between the onslaught of demanding classes, your oh-so-contemptible part-time job at the Olive Garden (you know, the one where your boss makes you come in extra early on Sunday), and your psychopathic roommate who — in spite of your repeated pleas to Resident Life and Student Housing — will not be moving out at the end of the semester, finding a moment to sit in silence and ponder the meaning of life can be difficult for a college student.

However, there is one place where peace and quiet are essential, and soul-searching meditation is not only possible, it’s tantamount to the entire bathroom experience. Indeed, atop that porcelain throne, we have the divine opportunity to contemplate our futures or browse Perez Hilton on our iPhones — whichever comes first.

To a troubled college student, bathroom time is sacred, and to infringe upon those precious moments of tranquility is equivalent to restroom blasphemy. Among the most cardinal of lavatory sins: talking on your cell phone while on the toilet.

The reasons why those of us on the receiving end of your toilet talkfest would be disturbed are clear. After a grueling day of business classes and the biology test from hell, we have no desire to listen to you grieve over your missing Prada pumps, and the fact that you’ve searched all over your apartment for them means nothing to me. Furthermore, we really can’t imagine a worse time to prattle on about which fraternity your best friend should join next semester. We’ll see your “Fiji” and raise you a “Shut up we’re trying to