The Mustang Masturbators

Have you heard? There’s a new club on campus. It’snot run by SMU students, but by Dallas-area sexual perverts lookingfor a quick fantasy fix.

So, let’s hear it for the Mustang Masturbators,SMU’s most notorious organization.

Every time that I pick up a paper, I totally bypass the frontpage. I always turn to the police reports first.

I honestly think that we should change the title to read”SMU’s Stupidest People!” I love starting mymorning off with a good laugh.

What’s better than reading about stupid, drunk freshmen inBoaz Hall who cause a ruckus during a fire drill and then, not onlyget busted for alcohol, but also get caught with marijuanaparaphernalia in their pockets?

I simply can’t believe how stupid my fellow students canbe. Nothing gets me through a boring class like reading the policereports.

Recently however, there has been an alarming trend hidden withinthe stories of pure frat-tastic inebriation and habitual parkingviolations.

At least four times since Sepember., I can remember reportedstories of women seeing or being approached by guys masturbatingwhile driving around campus. In Thursday’s paper, oneincident finally came to a close.Thankfully, SMU police arrestedthe perverted S.O.B. and hauled him off to Dallas County Jail.

But, incidents like this seem to be on the rise this year.

Looking around campus, anyone can see what draws the freakshere. The gorgeous coeds at SMU provide the perfect atmosphere forthese sick individuals to alleviate their sexual fantasies. Theycan drive around campus and see high-class, intelligent women ofthe likes that they would never be able to even remotely thinkabout dating.

Is enough being done to protect our women though?

I don’t think so.

Ladies, your first line of defense is you. In a recent incident,a man exposed himself to one young lady. The police report states,”The student screamed and ran away to call police.”

C’mon; let’s give these perverts what they deserve.Don’t run away screaming; that’s what they want. Theylove the response that you give them.

Instead, just point and laugh. Make them feel like they arelacking in more areas than morals.

Still, the fact remains that SMU PD can’t do anything tocatch these people if you don’t report it like this lady did.You never know: you might get lucky, and the jerk might get hisjust desserts in Dallas County Jail. One simple call to(214)768-3388 and you can help end these pleasure-drivenperverts’ crusades.

Many states have registered sex offenders lists. I think that weshould start one at SMU. Let’s catch these guys and thenpublish their picture and other vital information under the policereports.

After all, humiliation is a very strong persuader. SMU shouldsend the message loud and clear that if you do this, your picturewill be published for all students to laugh at. The consequences ofyour actions will also include a complimentary night’s stayin jail with some other scumbags who can become your closest”friends.”

I don’t think that we would be having this problem nearlyas much if the police officers we see cruising the campus wouldconcentrate on the people inside the vehicles, and not on whatcolor sticker belongs in what parking space.

If everyone would be on the lookout for this and actually reportit, maybe I won’t be embarrassed to let my mom look at thepolice reports, and perhaps girls won’t have to be scared tolook at passing cars.

If we are all vigilant, maybe we can put an end to SMU’smost infamous organization, the Mustang Masturbators.