Take the funny guy seriously
It was election time here recently at SMU. It just reminded me how much I love the smell of a good election: the campaigning, the posters, the speeches, the baby-kissing and the mud-slinging. Which election would be complete without any of this? Now, I am not one to advocate political schmoozing or mud-slinging, but these are what have made election campaigns in our country so unique, almost a joke. So if national politics is such a big joke, why not make small-time politics a joke as well? During my years in high school, I ran for Class President twice. However, I decided , as Michael Moore would put it, to “mock the vote”. Now, I like to think that I take an interest in politics, I follow most elections pretty regularly, and I thank god for Al Franken every day.
What is the point of a campaign? To sell oneself. Now, many high school candidates try to sell themselves sincerely. And, well, even though almost everyone in the school knows that it will turn out to be a popularity contest, they still go through the motions as if it really meant something.. While enrolled in Government 2301, I noticed that school politics and real-world politics have a lot in common. Name Recognition was one of the key elements in running a campaign. Why do popular people always win? Name Recognition. However, I was not about to let some person who wanted to get a better parking spot, or make their college application look good, lead my class into the new Millennium. I took it upon myself to run, and sell myself as the “Brutally Honest Candidate.”
My campaign speech went something like this: “I believe Ronald Reagan said it best, ‘As your president, I do solemnly swear to goof off and eat candy.’ Well, as your president, I also promise to lower taxes, clothe the poor, feed the starving, create more jobs, and lower the federal deficit. Whoops, wrong crowd! I promise to lower the cost of vending machines, abolish homework, and have 3 day weeks. However, I do not actually intend to do any of that, that’s just the stuff I say to make you all think I care. Because that’s all politics is. The candidates don’t care about you, to them you’re just another vote. You mean nothing to them. They give you the illusion that they care, and respect you, and know who you are. They couldn’t care less about you. Now I know what you’re all thinking, ‘If what he says is true, how do we know he actually cares about us?’ Well, I don’t. But, that’s besides the point, I’ll at least do a good job of pretending to care about you, and making you feel important as if you really matter. You might be thinking, ‘Now why should we vote for this guy?’ Well, you really shouldn’t, but I mean, if Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura can be governor of ‘Minne-tho-ta’, why can’t I be your president? Like, over there, they’ve got shirts that say ‘My governor can beat your governor up.’ Well, I can get us shirts that say, ‘My class president is more of a psychopath than yours’. As your president, I plan to lead you into the 21st century, and like any decent president, leave this school more screwed up than I found it. Oh, and I would like to deny the rumor that I was addicted to glue in my younger days. I did not inhale. I am J Mandyam, borderline mental-case for president.”
A parody of your average politician. It was a beautiful campaign, however, I lacked sufficient funds to run this campaign properly. So, I unfortunately lost. But, I was not going to let that get me down. I observed the student body for another year, and made myself more, well, not popular, but at least a lot of students knew who I was.
The people had spoken, and they wanted me to run again. However, I got a few more funds from a few friends who wanted me to continue my mockery of politics in the school. I had noticed that on all campaign posters, people put pictures of themselves in esteemed positions, nice pictures, that they were proud of. So I thought, what is it that no one would to see on a campaign poster? A mug shot. I had my friend doctor up my Driver’s License photo to make it into a mug shot. I used that on all my posters, with various slogans:
“In The Words Of Richard Nixon…’I Am Not A Crook!'”
“He Promises To Do What All The Others Do, Only He’s Too Lazy To Write It”
“J Is Involved In World Politics: ‘I Once Sent The Dalai Lama A Bottle Of Rogaine. He Thanked Me During An Out Of Body Experience.”
“”Dude, J, You Should Totally Run For President.’ – Mark Perlman. ‘Dude, How Many Times Have I Told You Not To Listen To Me?!’ – Mark Perlman, 3 Days After J Announced His Candidacy”
I sold myself not as the “Brutally Honest Politician” that year, but as “The Common Man”. “The Common Man” had good posters, now he needed a good speech:
“Hello My Fellow Americans. I am J Mandyam and I would like to be your president. Why?
1. I am a native born Texan, just like our current President.
2. I have never held down a real job in my life.
3. I am completely unqualified for this position.
But, I assure you, I am the common man. I am just like you. I too have trouble understanding the jokes on “Frasier”. But, I will use my knowledge as the common man to help better your school. If you’ve got a problem with the way the school is, tell me. Help me help you. Yes, I’m aware I do a horrible Tom Cruise impression. But I’m sure if I looked like him, all the girls would be voting for me. But that’s beside the point. So, while you’re in that voting booth, writing in fake names on the ballot, take some time out to vote for me, J Mandyam, the common man. Because a vote for J is a vote for me. And, remember to punch the ballots clearly, not leaving any chads hanging. I’d hate to have to take this to court.”
My campaign was a hit. I was amazed at how good a job I had done of selling myself. Everyone thought it was great to see a “politician” who wasn’t dry, and had some life in him. Similar to the Gore-Bush situation. Gore was so dry, and Bush came out as funny, without intending to. Which is the problem that is facing America today. We vote in the guy who is unwittingly funny, instead of the guy who said, “Two guys walk into a bar and said ‘Ouch’.”
However, trouble sought me out. The school administration did not take kindly to my campaign. They claimed I was making a mockery of the vote, and I was probably unqualified for the position anyway. I must admit that my jokes probably seemed funny only to those who were into politics; those who could see that I was making fun of big-time politics in a small-time environment.
My point is that Americans need to distinguish between the funny candidate and the candidate who we make fun of. The funny candidate knows how to sell himself to the people so he can get the votes. Therefore, he knows what he’s doing. The guy we make fun of, is funny, but not because he wants to be. So, next time you’re voting in any election (Texas elections are in November), remember to take the funny guy seriously, because he may actually know what he’s doing. Oh, and if you’re wondering if I won the second election, I lost by two points to the Incumbent. However, I beat out the third party candidate, the Popular Blonde Hottie, and really, that is all that matters.
