I know for the most part, people in this country just don’t care about soccer. They think there’s not enough action, it’s too boring or not “hands-on” enough. However, there’s a reason it’s called “the beautiful game,” and the world’s most-popular sport – just not in America. Still, when it comes to days when teams play in the Champions League competition (which is actually televised on ESPN), I spy plenty of team jerseys roaming the Hilltop.
The problem is, there are way too many Liverpool, Manchester United and Arsenal jerseys, when, in actuality, everyone should be walking to and from Dallas Hall singing “Blue is the Colour.” But why should owners of Wayne Rooney and Steven Gerrard jerseys be stripping them off, burning them and trading them in for a nice, clean, classy Frank Lampard or John Terry jersey?
Let’s start with Manchester United fans. You’re beloved team is owned by the Glazer family, the same American-based family who own the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Why would you support a team owned by Americans? Americans hate soccer!
Your manager is what, 90 years old? You really shouldn’t support a team who is under the command of a man who might collapse and die on the pitch at any moment. Not to mention a couple of your players are old enough to be my grandpa. Old people are just so not hip and are super lame. Also, just because Cristiano Ronaldo, the best player in the world, plays for your team, that’s not a good reason to like Man U. He would rather be playing for Real Madrid, anyway.
As for the Liverpool fans on the Hilltop, why associate yourselves with those lowlife Scousers? I’m not sure if I should have left my car unattended as Liverpool fans are probably stealing my hubcaps as I type this…that’s just what they do. Why like a team co-owned by Tom Hicks, the man responsible for running the Texas Rangers into the ground? Hicks’ co-owner George Gillette, owner of the Montreal Canadians, tried to sell his stake in the club because he knew what a terrible job he and Hicks were doing with the team. Liverpool fans even went as far as to beat up Tom Hicks Jr. in a bar. You guys are a bunch of wankers.
Arsenal, oh Arsenal. I’m going to leave you guys alone because you’re basically six points behind Aston Villa. I shudder to think what would happen if you didn’t make Champions League next year. I have the perfect solution: Switch your allegiance now and support Chelsea, the greatest team the soccer world has ever known (it’s really called “football,” but I don’t want to confuse any of you non-Chelsea fans out there). But why should you support the Mighty Blues?
Our owner is Russian, he’s a billionaire and his name is Roman. Was there ever a cooler civilization (or HBO show) than Rome? Our crest has a lion on it, which could eat the Liverpool bird for brunch, slay United’s red devil (remember: devils are evil), and poop on Arsenal’s cannon. We go through coaches like hotcakes, so if you don’t like one, don’t worry – he’ll get the axe soon enough. We’ve actually got more than one English player on our team (I’m looking at you, Arsenal fans), and we actually play in England, believe it or not.
In reality, it’s good to see the growing support on our campus for an absolutely amazing sport. I challenge everyone to sit down, watch a few games and pick a team that you enjoy following, even if it’s not Chelsea. Well, except for Liverpool. They’re still total wankers.
-Russ Aaron
Entertainment Editor
