Dating today has stepped out of the actual world and into the virtual world. Between cell phones, texting and all forms of communication on the Internet, an electronic gap has been inserted between two people.
Take, for example, the story of Ashley and Mike (names have been changed due to embarrassment, but I’m sure you could easily replace one of these names with your best friend, sibling or even yourself).
Ashley saw Mike at a fraternity party. She was cute. He was cute. She wanted to go up and talk to him but all of her girlfriends said, “No! He has to come to you!” And of course, after some flirtatious looks later, he did. They talked for sometime, Ashley did a hair flip or two, and Mike even offered to get her a drink.
Two days later, Ashley got the nerve and added Mike as a friend on Facebook.
“It was definitely nerve racking to be the one to initiate the Facebook request,” says Ashley, who is a hopeless romantic.
A couple hours later, she had a new message in her inbox from Mike. He told her he really liked meeting her and asked for her phone number. That Thursday night he text messaged her asking what she was up to.
“I figured, why not?” says Mike. “Texting her was less invasive than calling her ’cause I didn’t really know her that well.”
Weeks ensued and the relationship consisted of texting and Facebook messages. Ashley could not comprehend why the guy couldn’t just call her. And of course, she would not be making the first phone call because she is the girl, and girls don’t do that.
“I did my part with the Facebook,” jokes Ashley.
After over a month of “dating” (which in college terms means: meeting up at a party or bar, going home together after and being “exclusive”, but neither would dare utter the word “couple” to each other), Mike had yet to actually call Ashley, or take her on a real date for that matter. Although they had a great connection, the relationship fizzled and they went their separate ways.
“It’s not that I didn’t like her,” says Mike. “We just never got to actually know each other. Our only communication was through texting and sometimes Facebook. Even when we were at the same party, we would text and not actually talk to each other in person.”
This of course is standard protocol for the beginning of a college relationship in the 21st Century: Two people meet in a social setting and perhaps they exchange phone numbers (not always in the first encounter).
Then comes the friend request on Facebook, along with flirty wall post exchanges and secret messages such as: “Going out tonight?” or “Need any company in the library?”
And one cannot forget the famous practice of “Facebook Stalking,” which sometimes entails going through your love interest’s 419 “tagged” pictures, to get the scoop on ex-girlfriends or boyfriends.
Casual text messaging follows. The girl will probably wait an hour to respond, trying not to look too desperate. Although, she is squealing in excitement to her friends, asking them what to say back. The guy will call the girl, usually on a Thursday night, to see what she is doing. This means he wants to hang out, but not alone, friends must be present to make sure they approve.
Greg Behrendt, author of “He’s Just Not That Into You,” hit this issue of technology muddling with relationships right on the nose. In the movie, Drew Barrymore’s character says something that every girl (or guy, for that matter) can relate to:
“I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he e-mailed me on my BlackBerry, so I texted his cell. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.”
Are we just lazy? Or just too nervous to approach someone we are attracted to? Are AT&T and Verizon the dictators of our relationships? We text, we Twitter, we Skype, and although these new and very convenient forms of communication allow people to stay in touch, relationships are much less personal.
Harrison Kaufman, a junior at Southern Methodist University believes, “It’s easier to text someone something as opposed to going up and talking to someone. I think ‘dating’ has become much less formalized. People don’t really date anymore per se.”
In a recent anonymous survey of 71 college students, 68 percent had been asked on a date via text message, and 25 percent had been asked on a date via Facebook.
Nearly all of the participants would like relationships to be more old-fashioned, with more face-to-face interaction and less electronic communication. Both males and females agree that the role of technology in relationships can have positive and negative value.
One college male says technology “makes it easier. If you’re unable to meet up or talk on the phone because you are preoccupied, you are able to receive a text message and respond when you are able to.”
While another college female says, “I honestly think that guys are [wusses] and they hide behind technology … Thanks Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerburg for ruining my life.”
In the survey, the role of Facebook in relationships was the biggest concern, with the most negative impact. Over 50 percent of people who took the survey have had a fight with their significant other because of material on Facebook.
Facebook, however, has its benefits. Annie Dill, an SMU senior, met Ben Maitland at a bar in Dallas. It was love at first sight. The next day, he “friended” her on Facebook. Five days later, with strong persuasion from a friend, Dill wrote him a message back. They briefly messaged back and forth, and a couple of days later, he called her and asked her on a date.
“Facebook helped to move things along for us right after we met because it was a safe and non-confrontational mode of investigation and communication,” says Dill. “It provided a much less intimidating setting for us to talk, so when we went out on our first date, it wasn’t awkward.”
The couple is now engaged, and although the pair would have ended up together without the help of Facebook facilitating the getting-to-know-you process, “It definitely helped to accelerate the beginning of our life together,” says Dill.
The difference between Ashley and Mike’s story and Dill and Maitland’s fairy tale ending is that if a relationship is supposed to happen, it will happen; with or without the technological barrier. But both parties must put forth a conscious effort to get to know each other on a personal level, beyond Facebook Stalking and checking his or her Twitter updates every hour.
The Internet and cell phones can make communication easier, especially in long distance relationships, but individuals must be careful not to rely on it too much. When we replace typing away on our iPhone over face-to-face interaction, the romance is gone and the problems arise.
