Yeah, you know what this is. It’s a celebration, expletive.

So anyway, check it out. This is Gary Suderman, delivering his first article to the bastion of democracy and free expression that is The Daily Campus. I had been thinking about what tough issue I wanted to tackle when the idea occurred to me – right now, actually – to base my column around Track 17, “Celebration,” off Kanye West’s “Late Registration.”

Additionally, I’m going to break it down using the process of imagology, the process of reducing (umm) “stuff” that was employed by Joseph Conrad lovers to totally destroy Chinua Achebe’s statement that “Heart of Darkness” is bloody racist. But y’all don’t care about that; it’s time to get to the jelly, because you done with the intro, playa. I just have a 500- to 700-word range to fulfill, so I needed a little padding. Whatever-

Kanye opens “Celebration” with this crazy synthesizer beat and a harmony of high-pitched squeals proclaiming “bah, bah, bah, bah” like a drunken Greek chorus. He then declares the opening line, with which I already began my article.

And it is a celebration, expletive. Katrina was straight-punching a city when Rita came to join the pants party, but Dallas is still going strong. The economy’s good, the kids are rich and aimless and we had little to no rain over the weekend to deter parents.

Next line: “I never did this before. Stop that. What, you want some Petron? I got that.” I had never quit a job until two weeks ago, when Fondren Library and I had to sever ways, at least for the semester. But I appreciate you, Mike, Karoline, Cartha, Brandon, Ashutosh, John, Cindy, everyone. If any of you readers go to Fondren Library in the next week, remember to treat its employees with kindness and respect.

I guess that “Petron” part relates to Jack’s Pub, where I went Saturday night. It’s a crazy place. Being sober, one can notice how hilariously random everything there is. People just stand around and look pensively at everyone else, seeing who’s walking in and who’s rocking the Gucci shoes, while others dance crazily. And then, when people have to move around amongst a mass-capacity crowd, they put on this angry expression and hope that alcohol doesn’t get spilled on them.

“I mean, I promise y’all, you fine and all, and your girlfriend -she kind of raw – but she’s not like you (saxophone plays), no, she not like you.” What makes one member of the opposite sex different from another? That is to say, taking two comparatively attractive people, how does someone choose one instead of the other? It relates to the aura of the person, and it also helps if that particular individual doesn’t seem too interested.

Two girls I went with to Jack’s found out that two guys whom they were romantically interested in were – well, they swung a different way. Watch “Clueless,” I guess. But don’t be like Gatsby, pining away for a green light that -if you’ve seen Mia Farrow play Daisy — is undeserving of you. Is this a guy with whom you can grow old? Is she funny? I mean, if you’re just in it for looks, you might as well date a painting.

“Right now I need you to mute all the monologue; all that talking is gone, give me a Tylenol – you put a expletive to sleep, I’m tired ‘a y’all.” We got a Nintendo 64 in my room last week, and “GoldenEye” multi-player is taking over our lives. Sometimes you just have to stop talking and wait for the other team to get killed by proximity mines. And other times you go to see sports teams, such as the Dallas Stars, who, despite losing to Colorado, still fought the good fight (thanks Lindsey!). No Richard II-esque soliloquizing there.

I’m nearing 700, so I have to cut short my analysis. Oh, well. “Had some problems before, but see, we let ’em go,” says Kanye, and then he mentions Cristal. We all have problems, but sometimes you just got to pony up and trademark it. And start thinking. It’s a celebration, expletive. Welcome to college.

Gary Suderman is a first-year cinema-TV major. He may be contacted at [email protected].