At most universities, people go to the gym to look and feel their best. Students go to the gym before a big test and review flashcards on the elliptical machine or play racquetball with friends. The difference between Dedman and most gyms is the unspoken code quickly imbedded in all Dedman frequenters.
The uniform: Female gym goers quickly learn the purpose of Nike Fit Dry Tempo Running Shorts or a similar brand. For those unfamiliar with this specific terminology, Nike Fit Dry Tempo Running Shorts are the variety composed essentially of parachute material with mesh sides coming in a variety of color combinations.
When I first came to college, my workout wardrobe consisted of three pairs of four-year-old Soffe shorts (for those unfamiliar with this specific terminology, Soffe shorts are the cotton, solid-colored shorts often worn by cheerleaders). My old high school shorts, second tier and worn out, didn’t cut it. If someone asked me two years ago if workout attire was as important as the workout itself, I would have said, “Of course not! No one notices what you wear when you exercise!”
The sad fact is, people do notice. Or at least I think they do. Maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe it’s just my subconscious need to please my- oh God, I’m saying it- gym crush.
The gym crush: This term was dubbed by a good friend of mine and I’ve come to define it as, “Someone at the gym with physical attributes that prompt one to desire/fantasize, etc. The gym crush most likely never notices the gym crushee, who is often in close proximity admiring one or more of the following qualities: cardiovascular ability, defined biceps, broad shoulders, sparkling smile, endurance on the stair stepper machine, ability to look absolutely beautiful in a sweat stained undershirt, etc.
Keeping this definition in mind, there are several things one must never do.
1.) Noticeably follow the gym crush. An unnoticeable distance is perfectly acceptable. For example, a treadmill with direct view of the free weights is totally fine. However, do not stare directly at the gym crush.
2.) Do not stare directly at the gym crush. Intermittent stares are fine, but you must be sure to look away fast. It’s a sneaky game. If you do catch glances, you have several choices: you can either avert your eyes quickly so that it seems like you’re staring at a spot above his/her eyes, wave to an imaginary person that would be standing just behind him/her, or, if you’re feeling confident- I mean, really confident- smile (sexily) back at him/her casually lifting your hand to wave as if to say “No big deal, I smile at every incredible man/woman I meet.” If you selected the latter of the three choices, you must then increase the speed or intensity of your given exercise. This is essential. You have his/her attention; now is the moment to shine.
Do not sing at the gym: I fell in love with running in the eighth grade. When I’m home in small town Oklahoma, my favorite thing to do is to take my morning jog. With the wind whipping through my hair and my legs pumping faster and faster, I listen to music that takes me on fantastic journeys where I win awards, go on adventures, and accomplish my dreams. When I’m feeling particularly invigorated or inspired, I sing along. I know it’s not pretty singing- breathy, panty, and choppy- but when I feel like doing something I don’t hold it in.
I’ve discovered singing at Dedman (or any gym for that matter) is a gym felony. I guess it is just something a country girl learns when she moves to the big city. People don’t like to hear my breathy, panty, choppiness- even if it is inspired. There’s an embarrassing story behind all this I’d rather put behind me.
Wipe off the machine: Basic consideration of gym usage; fair enough. But some people should do more than wipe off the machine. They should mop the machine and then pour Lysol all over it. I’m not being mean; I’m just saying what everyone thinks but doesn’t say.
This rule is for all you big sweaters out there. Now, you may ask, “How do I know if I’m a big sweater?” Note the simple criteria for diagnosing level five sweatage:
1.) Do you look like someone threw you in a lake after a moderate workout?
2.) Is there a puddle underneath you?
3.) Do you wear armbands and/or headbands for their actual purpose?
If you answered, “Yes” to one or more of the questions, you’ve got sweat issues. It’s not quite as bad as bursting into spontaneous song in a public place, but do wipe the machine. Besides, cleaning your machine gives you an opportunity to take the long way (past your gym crush) to the spray bottle. Think of it this way: it could be the beginning of the rest of your life.
As an experienced gym goer, I’ve learned the boundaries. Only in nature can I wear my stained five-year-old shorts, sing the Moulin Rouge soundtrack like a Broadway starlet, and sweat without apologizing for it (damn those blue towels). With spring’s arrival, give the good green earth a shot. You’ll love the peace and solitude.
Emily Habeck is a sophomore acting major. She can be reached for comment at [email protected].