This week, the Task Force on Substance Abuse and Prevention ripped off its pants to show us its big findings. After carefully investigating campus activities and taking stock of the relative concept of correlation versus causation, the task force threw it all out the window and said, “Give us a bar.” I like that part, but most of the rest is ridiculous.

The fundamental flaw of the TFSAP is inductive reasoning. It noticed abuse is low among students who attend classes on Friday and who also have involved parents. The task force’s solution is to force more students to attend classes on Friday and encourage Gestapo overwatch from parents. There is no flaw in this logic; on paper it looks fine, but consider that alcohol and drug usage is also exceptionally low among “straight-A” students on full scholarships. So why give everyone fantastic grades and compensate the entirety of their tuition? Because that would be dumb.

The task force has it backward; chopping up lines of purple pills and cramming them up your nose may not help your grades, but it certainly makes you feel better about being a failure.

“Our current policies and procedures are, in general, consistent both with recommendations of recognized reports on the topic by state and national organizations and with accepted practices at other universities.”

Oh, good job, that totally clears up any question as to why we are changing our current policies and procedures.

“SMU has a substantial number of Greek-affiliated students (about 40 percent of undergraduates).”

Hey, that totally makes sense with what I heard freshman year. Oh wait, actually that’s the exact opposite. Of course, it’s good that all our students are routinely lied to from the very start of their academic career, it’s consistent both with recommendations of recogn… just read the quote. It’s almost as good as SMU Rides being met by the campus police so that those intelligent enough to not drive home drunk can instead be rewarded for their decisions with a breathalyzer and a ticket. How could that ever backfire?

“A lack of Friday classes in some academic units of the university in essence creates a four-day school week and three-day weekend for some students.”

Yes, clearly not having class on certain days causes problems. I mean, most of the problems on campus happen on weekends, when no classes at all are scheduled. We had best ban the evil, Satanic concept of Friday before it claims more lives. But wait! Where will classes come from? Do we rape Monday or pillage Wednesday? One of these innocent days will suffer. Of course it’s not the day, it’s the free time that hurts.

We should break the week into one-minute intervals with one minute of class, one minute off between for round-the-clock academics. Students can choose to use these minutes to sleep, study, eat or socialize. Because class starts in 59 seconds, there will be just enough time to choose between a Fig Newton, 1/287th of a Theta wave. Here’s a quote from fastcompany.com:

“Timothy Ferriss is quite an accomplished man. He’s a Princeton University guest lecturer in high-tech entrepreneurship and electrical engineering, the first American in history to hold a Guinness World Record in tango, a national Chinese kickboxing champion and even a MTV breakdancer in Taiwan. But, what he’s most known for, at least lately, is his bestselling book, “The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join The New Rich,” that focuses on the 80-20 principle, outsourcing your life and getting away from your desk.”

Well, I guess that’s the only time in human history a four-day week has worked.

Recommendations

Recommendation: The task force recommends the establishment of an ongoing President’s Commission on Substance Abuse Prevention.

Oh great, an SMU Homeland Security force. Ten bucks says they won’t overstep their bounds or invade privacy, nor will they attempt, at any point, to expand their power beyond their original boundaries. This is obvious because no agency, government or individual thirsts for more control and influence. Everyone is happy right where they are, it’s just human nature. Come on, they are in no way implying that, “After careful research, data shows that I must be given a promotional raise and more influence for my unbiased perspective.”

I still think we should just make the Bush Library a drive-in movie theater, bowling alley, shooting range and strip club, equpped with a slip ‘n’ slide and a rollercoaster. However, for those of you who believe drug usage comes from something besides boredom, the TFSAP has some “serious” solutions.

“A four-strike policy for alcohol violations and immediate suspension for drug violations (with the exception of drug paraphernalia and small amounts of marijuana). “

This is welcome and acceptable so long as these terms are defined by a relevant expert, like Cheech Marin or professor emeritus Lester Grinspoon, M.D., of the Harvard School of Medicine. I would also like to point out that Hunter S. Thompson could not graduate from SMU. Nor could Carl Sagan or that other epic failure, Ernest Hemingway.

“A1) Recommendation: that every undergraduate class have a stated attendance policy and that attendance be taken.”

This is equally wonderful. However, I think as part of such behavior, grade penalty because of attendance should be abolished. After all, it’s basically an admission that the class is not interesting enough to make us show up. I go to work because if I don’t, I won’t get paid. Moreover, since the report admits that poor attendance is a symptom of distress or turmoil, it would be highly unfair to penalize anyone beyond the loss of valuable informative class time.

“A5) Recommendation: that final comprehensive assessments be given during the designated exam period for every lower-division course.”

Sounds great, until the last sentence: “As a secondary effect, students would have less free time during finals week for social occasions.” I can’t even think of a response so it must be flawless.

A6 flat out admits that the task force wants to create busywork for students. Two hours of mandatory work per class? Good thing I took an easy semester to accommodate for Ad Campaigns while the university still rewarded working smart rather than bulk effort stupidity.

The last bit is about eliminating all public endorsements of underage and illegal substance use. One thing I’ve learned from cigarettes, prohibition, abstinence education, Scientology, Watergate, the Russian economic system and pregnancy is that when you hide a problem it ALWAYS disappears with no further questions.

“At this time in SMU’s history, as the University attracts higher-achieving students with expectations of a vigorous intellectual life on campus, and expands its national prominence through research and innovation, the time is right to take aggressive steps to ensure a campus environment that best serves students and supports the university’s emerging new reality, growing potential, and high aspirations.”

Just for fun, as a personal favor, go find every instance of SMU, campus, university and replace it with “Germany.”

I think we should just ban clothing. Nobody would have the time to do drugs, and even if they did, we’d be far too distracted by chasing kids out of the bushes to care.

That is my fact, and that is the God-honest truth as I see it.