It’s almost March, and every year Ed Board notices certain signs indicating February is ending and spring break is almost upon us: The weather improves, men’s basketball wraps up its season and the campus gym, be it Dedman or the venerable Cinco Center, fills up fuller than Kirstie Alley at a buffet.
Ed Board goes to the Dedman Center regularly, and we enjoy our space. Most of the year we never wait for weights, trouble for a treadmill or . . . well, it usually isn’t a problem to get an elliptical.
But, these final weeks before spring break the Dedman Center fills to capacity with workout neophytes, desperate to fit into that new swimsuit or set of ski pants.
It is truly an incredible sight. People who weeks ago were pasty and couch-bound are now working furiously to become tanned and toned beach bodies.
But, it isn’t just about working out. Great portions of the campus suddenly get crazy about their appearance as February rolls into March.
Fortunately for all you out there looking to get into shape in time for your flight to Mexico, Ed Board has some tips.
First, the clothes you wear to the gym are absolutely crucial to a successful workout.
Guys, don’t forget this maxim: the tighter the T-shirt, the cooler you look. It’s science – indisputable. Also, if you do enough curls and bench press, there’s really no need for anything else. Long-term health goals are none of your concern. Those club rats in Cancun want biceps, period.
Ladies, traditional gym clothes are out. Wearing your party gear to the gym is in! Wearing jewelry in the gym allows the elliptical to double as a weight-training machine.
Consider – do you wear sneakers when you’re partying on spring break? Then why wear them to the gym? Get some practice running in heels now, before it’s too late! Change up the size of the heel to keep your body guessing – you don’t want to plateau before March 10.
Not interested in the gym? Chain-smoking can also be an excellent way to shed those extra pounds. A single unfiltered cigarette has more potassium than a banana, and 38 percent of your daily carcinogen requirement.
What good is a buff body without that great bronze color? March means it’s time to invest in a tanning membership. Gentlemen, tanning center employees may tell you to protect yourself with a sock, but have you ever had a penis tan line? Total mood killer.
Everyone hates those raccoon eyes you get from the protective goggles. Why not try staring directly into the lights? Your tan will be more even, and you’ll be prepared for that gorgeous tropical sun or snow glare.
Ed Board hopes our sarcasm has been fully appreciated. We urge all SMU students to prepare for spring break in a healthy way. Crash diets, exercise bulimia and overdoing it on the tanning bed can all pose serious health risks.
We’ll see you at the gym. We’ll be the pasty ones, chain-smoking on the treadmill.
