After watching the men in charge of our nation, I have decided that I am smarter than them, which should put me in charge. However, since we don’t live in pagan warbands, I can’t just kill them in a swordfight and take the reigns. Ah, those were the days.
The real problem with the current American system is the War on Terror. The whole thing reeks of stupidity. “Lets find everyone who doesn’t like us and kill them” will never work, believe me. If you were to go and kill that red-headed kid who eats during class, a lot of his friends would get mad and then you’d have to kill them too. Instead you use the U.S. strategy of “hearts and minds.” You know, since “shock and awe” costs too much to maintain for six years.
If you are at war it is already way too late to think about “hearts and minds.” I don’t want to hear about soldiers winning hearts and minds while there is a war going on, they are there to kill men and seduce women. That’s how we took Germany and we got on just fine. Russia didn’t like us, probably because we didn’t seduce any of their women.
So back on target, we’d withdraw from Iraq and send all the Sunni to Pakistan. The Kurds can stay in Iraq and the Shia can go to Iran. The benevolent religious perfection of friend Iran will surely host the 600,000 refugees, brothers returning home like remnants of the Spanish Armada.
The Kurds of Turkey will be ordered to move south to Iraq. If they can’t appreciate that gesture Turkey can kill as many rebels as they want. Kurds are a good kind of terrorist like the Northern Alliance of Afghanistan, so we can be friends.
This simplifies the ethnicity of the Middle East. What was once a melting pot has now boiled into lava, and it is America’s job to separate and cool down the political landscape to granite, tough and stable for the future.
Free Iraq will become Kurdistan, a simple reward for getting gassed. The lesson will be crystal clear: If you try and ethnically clense a race or religion, America will give them a country. This might send a few chills down the upper echelons of Sudan.
Afghanistan will just have to be subjugated until we can stop the production of opium. This is not going to happen unless the whole nation gets firebombed, but we can at the very least train a police force to deal with the war on drugs, applying the experience that led to the victory in our own.
Of course, back home the markets are flaring up with Bear Stearns walking the plank. That’s a huge problem. We might need to hold some kind of essay contest for college professors and the winner becomes advisor to the chief of the federal reserve. The situation with sub-prime, which is business talk for, “really high risk with low payoff,” is going to be resolved in a way that only hippy economics professors from places like Austin come up with.
Another thing that needs to happen is unscripted debates, ghostwritten speeches and maybe a few days where nobody talks about superdelegates. Seriously, look at the race, everyone knows its Bill’s third term versus the Democratic black sheep to beat the Republican incumbent: a rich old white guy.
What I want to see is a series of questions that force the candidates to think on their feet, much like the YouTube debates, which were a really good idea pulled off in a comical fashion.
The point here is that America has elected some really bad actors into some pretty stupid positions and there needs to be some extremely potent house cleaning before the next president shows up.
Back on Sept. 10, 2001, Bush was the president to take us to Mars. After a decade of poking around stealing moonrocks and telescopes the size of a house, it seemed like we might actually make some progress.
Now, if you suggested a Mars project, the only answer you could give to get funding is, “We’re polluting Earth so bad that Mars just might be the only place worth living.” Then the United States would move all its people into giant, skybound dome cities and move out to a giant desert planet, an entire terrestrial Middle East – just for us.
That just might be the best idea at this point.
