Stephen Colbert said it best at the Emmys.

“Kneel before your God, Babylon!”

The Oscar is the shiny, bald (albeit muscular) Buddha of Hollywood, and unfortunately, like other golden idols, it means nothing.

Coming up on the 86th Academy Awards March 2 (with Ellen Degeneres hosting), isn’t it time we revisit the classic formula?

Let’s face it, the Oscars are a circle jerk designed to accomplish one thing (besides getting Perez Hilton giddy): make rich people in black suits feel good about themselves for skills that would mean nothing in a survival scenario.

Gary Oldman’s never won an Oscar. Leonardo DiCaprio has never won an Oscar. Christopher Plummer didn’t win an Oscar until 2009. Did nobody in the Academy watch “The Sound of Music?” Did the dulcet tones not pierce your soul and melt your heart? Shame on you!

The Oscars are essentially an echo chamber for what Hollywood wants to hear. That movie about a quadriplegic pianist who beats the odds and wins a basketball championship with his blind schnauzer? Nominated. That pining foreign language film about child soldiers without ears? Nominated. Tom Hanks? Nominated.

Should our biggest award ceremony have a formula? Aren’t formulas boring? Let’s mix things up a little. Throw out the cue cards and teleprompters. Toss some tigers into the audience – maybe some 12-year-olds with laser pointers. And when the hell are we going to see Adrian Brody kissing women out of his league again?

Why am I really this angry? I’m pissed off for Leo. If he gets snubbed again this year, I don’t know if my heart will go on.