Coming out swinging
In the classical vein of all early semester commentaries, Iwould like to extend a greeting to all the freshmen that Idon’t know, don’t plan on knowing and probablywon’t meet anyway. However, since your yearly tuition costsabout as much as a lap-dance of the same duration, it would only befair of me to instruct you newcomers on a few lessons youwon’t learn at Week of Welcome.
THE SITUATION
This one is important. ‘Parents’ like to tell youthat college is to further your education, but I think by now youknow as well as I do that that is hogwash. College is for parties.However, in order to go to parties, you need to be on ‘thelist’. Sightings are rare, but purportedly, ‘thelist’ is made of gold and has reconstructive surgery everytwo years. Nobody really knows where ‘the list’ is, orhow to get on it, but if you aren’t on it, you aren’tgoing to any parties, so get on it.
GETTING AROUND
At night, for safety reasons, girls are advised to traveleverywhere with a guy. Reciprocally, during the day, men arerequired to have a girl present at all times. Failure to adhere tothese rules can be dire. Any guy caught in public without a girlcan and will be fined up to a million cool points on the spot.Safety in numbers, learn it. In the rare situation where no femalesare present or, worse, everyone hates you, your cell phone canserve as a replacement. Just whip that sucker out and gab away.Actually, you don’t need to gab at all, you don’t evenneed to call anyone, just make sure its out, and in plain view sopeople can say, “Hey, he’s popular.”
DRESS CODE
This one is the easiest. Wear a polo shirt with the collar up atall times. I know it seems backwards and slightly childish, butdon’t worry, it’s fashion, and if you don’t keepup with fashion you probably wont get on ‘thelist’.
BOOK$
First things first, I advise you go to your bank and discuss thepossibility of getting a loan for this semesters’ books.Seriously, I know it seems like a hefty investment, but like theysay, pay to own, not to rent. Make sure you keep your books in ahigh development area so that perhaps the value of them will riseover time. Just remember, it’s a sellers market, soregardless of what happens, even the best buyers get taken to thecleaners. Oh, and by the way, before you go to receive your stacksof cash at the end of the year at the bookstore, try selling yourbooks on Amazon. Reports have yet to be confirmed, but witnessesclaim to have seen books resold for as much as five dollars.
RESIDENCE HALLS
Okay, lets face it, your music rocks. Unfortunately, theacoustics of the hall are horrible, so the people three floors downare going to have trouble hearing your Flock of Seagulls megamixunless you crank that volume up to full blast. Who cares if its 3a.m., your music rocks, Ryan.
Glad I can be of help. Any questions on any of the topics abovecan be emailed to me. Except about ‘the list’,that’s very hush-hush.
Austin Rucker is a sophomore philosophy major. He may bereached at [email protected].
