Gays, the new Jews?!?

Damn, George. You’ve crossed the line yet again and need some help. No sweat, I’m here to help you and the entire gay community with a few suggestions.

First, I’d like you to know that we, the straight community, do love you. Your sexuality is not a problem with us. We don’t mind employing you, working for you, sitting next to you at the ball game or eating dinner next to you in our restaurants. We don’t mind living with you. Hey, we’re all in the same race we call life.

However, we do have one issue with you. And, when discussing issues like this, it’s best to get to the point. Your flamboyancy kills whatever it is you are trying to accomplish. That is your number one problem: flamboyancy. Is it clear? Flamboyancy.

When out on the town, what happens when one drinks a little too much? What happens when one drives too fast on the highway? What happens when the child eats too much candy? Overkill kills, Gay Movement. Too much is too much.

“Gays, the new Jews?” Great choice for a title, guys. It let us know you wanted to be taken seriously. It showed you are an intelligent college professor.

The multitude of stickers plastered on cars and walls around the country, the seemingly intentional intimate cuddling in public, the marches, the lousy editorial columns, the heralding of your makeshift heroes-the list goes on — they’re making us question our across-the-board tolerance of the gay community.

And please, don’t try to argue the straight community is not tolerant of gays. You guys are steadily employed, admitted to universities, allowed to congregate; hell, you guys are citizens like everybody else, and we respect that. We’re not buying your made-up hissy fit that you are being mistreated. Just like we’re not buying your arguments that the world is turning into a steaming tea kettle. Just like we didn’t buy your liberal newspaper’s argument, the disgraceful New York Times, that world commerce would end after the Y2K bug hit.

Another piece of advice on seducing your audience into believing something: remember who it is. Try to relate to us, and be sly about it. Talk about things we care about and believe in. Use logical, coherent examples. Get creative in the way you approach the straight community and cater to us. Hell, you guys are selling your pitch to us. Be good salesmen. The flamboyant, in-your-face approach makes us gag, not your sexual preferences.

You said yesterday: “As it stands, anyone can be fired for being gay-” George! Relax brotha. As it stands, my arms could fall off. As it stands, trees could start talking. As it stands, a gay man could become president. As it stands, gravity could cease to exist. There are infinite things that could happen but simply won’t. Nobody is fired for being gay. Gays lose their jobs every now and then, but who doesn’t? This brings us to the next point.

If gays feel particularly unwelcome (Google: inferiority complex), then they should migrate to a more welcoming area. I’m not saying this should be the case if a gay man was threatened or abused by his community — in those cases, he should stand strong. But in cases of him simply feeling unwelcome or out of place, he should move on down the road if he is unhappy. There are plenty of pockets of wacko liberals who accept any and everybody. You guys would feel truly welcome there. They probably think their president is trying to kill them, too!

More seriously, SMU and Dallas, Texas, are not the places for an outspoken, offensive, anti-Republican, flamboyant, gay movement to attempt to change the way society categorizes deviant behavior. That is the plain and simple truth, which may hurt.

The local gay community should be mindful that the community in which it lives is comprised of mostly laid back, Republican, Christian, tolerant people, and we do not appreciate you always purposefully ruffling our feathers. We like you, gay community. You have a place here in Dallas, and it our hearts. We appreciate what you contribute to our community. But, please, tone it down a little bit.

Joel L. Sartain is sophomore undecided major. He can be contacted at [email protected].