The Moron Slayer’s dictionary

Excerpts from the Moron Slayer’s Dictionary

Anti-conformist (n): A person who insists on defining himself by his or her non-congruence with societal rules, often mistakenly referred to as a non-conformist. Whereas an actual non-conformist may or may not look like other people, an anti-conformist will almost certainly look like a lot of other anti-conformists, thereby making them, ironically, conformists. But that’s something for a different time.

Baby boomer (n): 1.) A person who in his youth never trusted anyone over 30 but currently doesn’t trust anyone under 30. 2.) A person who once wished to abolish the capitalist system only to prosper because of it in his later years.

Commercial (n): An interruption of a television broadcast of which an entity, usually a corporation, tries to convince you that your life will be greatly enhanced by its product despite only seconds ago being perfectly content without it.

Conservative (n): 1.) American: A person who believes in personal responsibility, but not enough to actually allow people to assume it. 2.) European: Fascist.

Credit card (n): 1.) A piece of plastic which allows you to obtain a useless object immediately and pay five times as much for it over the course of the next 10 years as you would have had you bought it outright. (This is distinguished from Rent-A-Center, where you can accomplish the same phenomenon without any plastic.) 2.) A piece of plastic which the average human being will be offered an average of 21,368 times in their lifetimes, of which a full 25 percent will be during the formative and naïve college years.

Disco (n): A genre of music which, though maligned by many, sounds like Beethoven when compared to bubblegum pop.

Drive (v): To propel one’s vehicle in such a manner down a road whereby one comes close to, but narrowly avoiding, one’s own or someone else’s death. At least, this is how it seems to be done in Atlanta, Boston, Dallas and Houston.

Evangelist (n): The person that puts the bully in the bully pulpit.

First amendment (n): One of the 10 articles added to the U.S. Constitution guaranteeing Americans, among other things, freedom of speech, freedom of religion and freedom to peacefully assemble. Currently, it is most often used to try to deny those self-same freedoms to others.

Infomercial (n): A commercial (q.v.) that offers a product so useless, the seller has to wait until you’re half-asleep to try to trick you into purchasing it.

Liberal (n): 1.) A person who believes in the civil rights of everyone, except those who don’t agree with him. 2.) A person who believes that he can spend your money more appropriately than you can … whom you are not married to.

Libertarian (n): In American politics, a person who does not believe in the interference of government unless one does something to harm another or uses force to accomplish his or her means. Therefore, a conversation with a libertarian might go like this:

Guy: I want to turn my head into a bong so my friends and I can get high!

Libertarian: O.K.

Mother Nature (n): A tough woman, who, despite being around for what many say to be billions of years, others believe humans can destroy in 300.

Moron (n): The person who usually is to blame for any restrictions placed on the more intelligent, seeing as anyone smarter would have known better.

Political correctness (n): 1.) A system of speech and thought in which the goal is not to offend anyone except straight WASP males. 2.) A secular religion (q.v.) for pseudo-intellectuals. (The “highly exalted being” in this case would be the follower himself [or herself]). 3.) One of the methods by which a few persons that deem themselves leaders of society using undeserved power try to turn others into mush-minded zombies.

Progressive (n): 1.) One of many political terms stolen by authoritarians from another group of people who more accurately represent the true nature of the term. 2.) A person that, despite seeing how miserably socialism fails everywhere it’s tried, still insists that it will work if you just let him do it.

Reality television (n): A genre of television programs that depicts reality if reality were television programs.

Religion (n): 1.) A system of worship of a deity or another highly exalted being, usually started and maintained by noble means. 2.) (Also called Organized Religion) The other method by which a few persons that deem themselves leaders of society use undeserved power to try to turn others into mush-minded zombies.

Republic (n): A form of government of which the smarter people are intelligent enough to seek other nonpolitical vocations, leaving the remaining dimwits in charge.

Taxation (n): Legalized theft.

Umbrella (n): An object which, when forgotten on an overcast day, will cause rain.

Vanity (n): The self-confidence of your enemy.

Weed (n): A plant that has the misfortune of being among those that nobody likes.

Zoo (n): A prison for animals who were convicted of the crime of being slow enough to get caught.