Ask Nell in Spain
Q: Dear Nell,
There’s this girl. She could be the best thing that ever happened to me. The only problem is she lives in Oklahoma City. We met at a friend’s house and really hit it off. We talk on the phone every night and would date if it weren’t for the distance. She wants me to move to Oklahoma City so I can be with her, but I really like SMU and don’t want to leave my friends. Could this relationship ever work?
– Long Distance
A: Dear Long Distance,
If there’s any topic I’m an expert on, it’s long-distance relationships. My boyfriend and I have stayed together while I’ve been in Spain, and trust me, a 10,000 mile gap, hundreds of dollars on phone calls, lots of e-mails, and one very expensive visit have been proof enough.
Of course only you can decide what is best for you, but I will try and help you realize if this is something possible for you.
To be in a long distance relationship, there have to be two things. One, a definite future for the two of you, and a stage of life where you do not want to be with anyone else.
I would not recommend that you move to be with her because leaving a school and friends you love may actually cause you to resent her for making you lose things that mean a lot to you.
You can, however, date her while she is in Oklahoma. It’s not very far, and trust me on this, if you really love someone, you will figure out phone calls, e-mails, and visiting each other.
It sometimes feels like it would be almost harder to save yourself the trouble, but you have to simplify things. If she can come see you once a month, and you can go see her, that’s every second weekend that you can be together. You can still keep your friends and own lives at your separate schools, but can be together.
Another factor is if you’re ready or not to date someone long distance. If you know that you will be lonely and not quite ready to give up seeing other girls then you need to reconsider things.
As I was once told, you cannot have a half-assed relationship with someone who is far away.
You have to give it your all and know that if you ran into the hottest girl in the world who was ready to do anything, you wouldn’t even think twice about walking away.
A long-distance relationship requires a lot of work and commitment, so you have to want to be with her for a while. You wouldn’t want to work really hard for something that falls apart too soon.
I know how hard it is to be in your position, but ultimately I would just advise you to trust your gut feeling. If thinking about dating her in less than perfect circumstances makes you uneasy and confused, consider why you feel so uncomfortable.
On the other hand, if you just know that this girl is worth some hard work, then I would absolutely tell you to go for it. There’s no harm in trying, and some of the greatest relationships I know of started when people decided to make sacrifices for each other.
As a friend of mine here in Spain (who has a boyfriend at home) told me, “It really hasn’t been hard for me. If you really love somebody, you will be willing to give your all to stay together with them.” I agree.
Q: Dear Nell,
Besides a disastrous beginning of the semester with the women in Spain, I have enjoyed recent success. An instructor here told me, “For Spanish women, no always means maybe.”
This is totally different from the women back in the U.S., and I feel I am turning into one of the millions of sleazy Spaniards. At what point does a guy know when no means “bug off, you creep”?
– Getting Sketchier by the minute
A: Dear Sketch,
Enjoy your success here in Spain because I guarantee that if you try and work the same game you do here at home, you’ll be having testicle recovery surgery faster than you know.
It’s true for both European men and women that saying no to someone is kind of a game to see how far someone will go to get your attention. While some girls will always say no to play hard to get, they will never say no and walk away.
Use your so-called brain and learn to distinguish between playful sarcasm and a blatant rejection. A girl who wants you to chase her will act and say things differently. A girl who really means no will bluntly tell you she’s not interested and either walk away or ignore you.
Pick up on these few hints and you will soon learn which women want to talk to you and which don’t.
A huge word of caution: guys like you are currently battling over 80 percent of sexual harassment suits in the United States, so make your decisions wisely or you may end up with a big guy named Rex and a soap-on-the-rope.
