By Will Kastner
The month of December is always a great time for moviegoers, and this year was no exception. Blockbuster hits like “American Sniper” and the third “Hobbit” installment raked in millions, while gripping films such as “Selma” and “Into the Woods” drew millions more. However, it’s typical for the first few months following the holiday season to be somewhat lackluster. This can be attributed to the fact that the Oscar’s are right around the corner, or it could be because less people find the time to visit theaters. Regardless of the decline in activity, the movie industry continues to dish out films for our entertainment and every once in a while, surprise us with a masterpiece. Will February hold that kind of promise? Will a film arise that surpasses all others as the greatest film in history? Will this rattling of questions be more entertaining than half of the movies that come out in this bleak-looking month? Probably not, hell no!, and I’d like to think so. Without further ado, here are some upcoming February movies that promise to – if anything else — entertain us. Maybe.
“Jupiter Ascending”
Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum star in this Sci-Fi film that takes place in the future of our own universe. Mila Kunis plays a young caretaker, Jupiter, who is targeted by a tyrant who seeks domination over the solar system. She is the heir to royalty on Earth and stands as the biggest threat against the tyrant’s conquest. Sent to protect her, Caine, a genetically enhanced warrior, reveals Jupiter’s true destiny and the importance of her safety. The film looks interesting and entertaining, but I wouldn’t commit to seeing it until the reviewers have had their say.
“The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water”
Well… I don’t really know what to say about this one. It looks like the creators of one of the best children’s shows in history decided to take a great thing – a “shining light” in a dark room of terrible cartoons, if you will – and absolutely s*** on it. This looks awful. But hey, give it a chance guys! I mean come on. At least they don’t take the sea animals and a sponge out of the aquatic ecosystem to fight pirates and save the day. Oh wait, that’s exactly what they do. Childhood ruined.
“Fifty Shades of Grey”
I could try to explain the premise of this movie to you. However, if you don’t already know the premise, you’re probably not going to want to see it. And if you do know the premise, either no persuasion is necessary or no amount of persuasion would convince you to see it. It’s about sex. Sorry, I just spoiled the beginning, middle, and end.
“Kingsman: The Secret Service”
Set in London, a young delinquent is given an opportunity to compete for a spot in a spy organization that will prepare him to fight terrorist threats against his country. An experienced veteran in the organization takes him under his wing and trains him to become a lethal force. The movie looks action-packed and entertaining, and resembles movies such as the “Mission Impossible” series. Frankly, it could go either way. Even more frankly, that way will most likely be down.
“The Last Five Years”
Based on a musical of the same name, “The Last Five Years” tells the story of an actress that has fallen on hard times and has a love affair with a novelist. Now fellas, it’s a musical. You can be into that sort of thing, and that is honestly commendable. However, this movie takes aim at all of the ladies in this world who love this sort of thing. I can think of at least one extremely stunning girl (hi, Amy) who I expect to see this film. In fact, I think she has a column in this newspaper. The only way I would willingly bring myself to the theatre for this one is if I got to buy her a ticket.
“The Lazarus Effect”
Lazarus. That one guy from that one Book (mind if I capitalize?) that was raised from the dead. I wonder what this movie is about. Yeah, it’s a thriller about a serum that raises people from the dead. Who would think that this potion would have negative side effects and raise up a demon-possessed killer? The music in the trailer sure didn’t give it away. Well, regardless of the trailer music ruining the surprise, I sure do like the look of it. It’s got all of those good actors in it, like Olivia Wilde, and that one guy I like from “Safety Not Guarunteed,” and that Donald Glover who most others and I like to refer to as Childish Gambino, and those other people. Well, whatever it looks pretty entertaining.
Disclaimer: Just because a movie “looks entertaining” doesn’t mean it is of high quality. Please refer to Blair Croce’s review of “The Boy Next Door” to help distinguish between entertaining and high quality.
