Dicks By Mail, your one stop shop for sending anyone in your life a big bag of edible penises.

Maybe the glitter bomb didn’t get the message across quite right, or maybe it did and you still want to torment that person you despise. Imagine your victim’s expression when glitter exploded in their face, possibly getting glitter in their eyes. Now you can enact more revenge with Dicks By Mail.

For $15, you can anonymously ship your enemies a 5 oz. bag of gummy penises with a note stating, rather prominently, “Eat a bag of dicks.” It’s not hard to place an order and the whole process takes only a few minutes.

Oh how the penis war has evolved. It began in those middle school days of passing drawings of an overcompensated and veiny looking penis. It then moved on to the age of texting the classic “8=D,” and then reached an era of snapchatting below the belt pictures. Now society has reached the point where sending a bag of dicks to people is a thing.

This kind of thing used to be civil. You called someone a “dick” and they responded in kind, but now the arsenal and the war has escalated to a new level of hell. Subtlety reigns supreme in this conflict for the last word. This passive-aggressive path leaves your opponents bemused and impotent. Any other passive counterattack can only be described in one word: flaccid.

Before you report to the police about the threatening nature of this service, be mindful of Dicks By Mail’s “About Us” statement: “This site was created to put a smile on peoples faces. It’s not meant to be a threat or a way to bully. If you are sending this with the intent to ruin someone’s day, then maybe its you who needs to eat a bag of dicks.”

Dicks By Mail is just as snarky and crass as the glitter bomb website, and I love it. But before you get on to ordering, keep in mind that supply is limited. Dicky By Mail’s Brady Grumpelt said in a post, “Hey everyone, first off – Wow. I am pretty much swimming in dicks over here and can’t wait to send them out to all you.” So order them now before encountering further delays in shipment.

I can imagine the potential now, presidential nominees sending each other bags, people ordering them for their childhood bullies for calling them chubby; the possibilities are endless.

My oh my. What a time to be alive.