Impersonal responsibility
I’ve just about had it with security nowadays.
It seems like every day more and more Americans give up personalfreedom for mandatory safety procedures. And I don’t mean thePatriot Act. I’m talking about the little safety switches and‘child proof’ emphasis that get tacked ontoeverything.I hadn’t truly realized the scale of this issueuntil Monday.
Here’s the scene: there I am, chillin’ in my‘Benz, kickin’ it to my NPR when a report comes onabout childproof windows. You see, power windows are choking kidsat an alarming rate. Last year, three kids died as a result ofgetting their heads caught in closing windows.
Almost six had to be hospitalized after being choked by thesewindows. Since power windows are infused with the spirit of Satan,the only option is to install safety ‘window locks’ onthe switches, which through the magic of science keeps them fromgetting hit from awkward angles. Good idea, actually.
After all, if some idiot has his head hanging out the window, itdoes make sense that he shouldn’t be able to easily killhimself. So on with the switches.However, concerned parents werenot finished.
My radio experience was further enriched by the tragic story ofMary who while on a trip to the mall, closed the window on thethroat of her 5-year-old child. Did the windows make any attempt toalert the mother of their hostage?
No, the transparent terrorists kept their prisoner for almostforty-five seconds, at which point, our brave mother noticed juniorhad the blues. Mom of the year bravely turned on the car and rolleddown the death-glass, freeing her son from his quartz prison.
As a result, stupid parents are pushing to have elevator-stylesensors on windows, so that if they hit resistance, they will openback up. Sure it costs $500 per car, but think of the children.Ifyou ask me, this is a tragedy. But I’m not talking about thekids. Say what you want about the terrorists, but I’ll betlittle Billy Bin Laden never got choked on the reins ofdaddy’s camel.
Lets give you some history a la Austin. Back when I was four, Iwas really, really stupid. I got my lips stuck in a door, and doyou know what I did; I opened the door and cried through bloodylips. You know what I did when I got my leg caught in a window? Iopened the window. And when I got my head trapped in theaforementioned four-wheeled locomotive guillotine of death, I hitthe open button, and I’d do the same today if I could reachit from around the safety lever.
Oh, and automated opening devices? This scares me to death. Thissummer I had an incident with an angry homeless man, and Idon’t mean a shouting match. While stopped at a red light atCentral and Mockingbird, I had Otis the drunk literally jumpthrough my window and assault me. He had a pretty easy time withthe window while it was over half shut. God help me if that suckerhad one of those safety mechanisms.
Safety is completely ridiculous. The first time I thought safetywas absurd was when it became mandatory for cyclists to wearhelmets in Dallas.
See? Most of you didn’t even know that. And most of youprobably don’t wear helmets anyway. I know I didn’twhen I was younger.
Of course, the helmet craze was just the beginning.
Nowadays there are childproof houses, safety marbles and caps oneverything from cookies to cyanide. You can’t even find adecent G.I. Joe anymore; it’s ridiculous. How are the stupidkids going to die off if we don’t even give them achance?
Now all we have is school shootings, and even they accidentallyhit a few bookworms.
Austin Rucker is a sophomore philosophy major. He may bereached at [email protected].
