Something to Drink to

The only thing better than a politician who uses a cigar as asex toy is a politician who has a sweet tooth for freebasingcrack.

For a politician, many things comprise the “don’tdo” list, and “don’t smoke crack” assumes atop-five position directly below “don’t rape, kill,pillage or burn.”

Marion S. Barry, Jr., however, considers this list to be morelike a set of optional guidelines than imposed requirements —and his track record more than adequately proves this mindset.

That’s right, kiddos, your Uncle Macky’s talkingabout a crack-head politician.

Now, curious Mustangs, when I say crack-head politician,I’m not being figurative and playful like Christian Finneganon VH1’s Best Week Ever. I would be, however, if somepolitician uttered some dauntingly politically incorrect statementlike “women are inferior and shouldn’t be able tovote.”

In this case, I would raise my fist toward the sky and bellow”Is this guy smoking crack?” For all you jokers outthere that opted to nurse your hangover instead of attending yourrespective first-year rhetoric class, that question was figurative— not literal. But there’s nothing figurative aboutthis jackass.

I’m talking about the former mayor of D.C. who literallysmoked crack a few years back (i.e. bought said crack, put crackinto crack pipe, lit crack pipe with crack lighter, inhaled cracksmoke, got caught with crack and went to jail for crack) —and now he aspires to land a spot on D.C.’s city council forWard 8.

I share your sentiments exactly, because this is anintellectually stimulating icon whose footsteps I too hope my kidswill one day dutifully follow. Bright, endearing, crack-headish.Who says jail’s not fun?!

Keep reading, fellers, because I’m going to contextualizethis real-life Tyrone Biggums.

Born in 1936 in Mississippi, Barry didn’t pop out of thewomb with a crack pipe to his pale lips trying to sell his diaperback to the doc for 5 ducets — it took a few years for thatpastime to kick in. In reality, Barry was quite the do-gooder.

Barry’s an Eagle Scout — naturally, the poster childfor the Boy Scouts of America.

In the ‘60s, Barry left Fisk University in Nashville towholeheartedly dedicate himself to the Civil Rights Movement. Heeven served as the first chairman of the Student NonviolentCoordinating Committee and opened a branch in D.C. upon arrival,according to washingtoncitypaper.com.

Iin D.C., Barry’s political name mushroomed and he waselected to the school board and City Council before being electedmayor in 1978.

Barry was mayor for 12 years until he threw his constituents theshocker when undercover FBI agents arrested him in a D.C. hotelroom smoking crack on Jan. 18, 1990 — and the feds capturedthe entire bust on audio and video. (Feel free to surf the internetto catch a glimpse of that entertaining film).

After serving six months for a misdemeanor, Barry donned hisUnder Armor gear and declared that “he must protect thishouse!” He convinced himself that he wasn’t out for thecount. His eyes were still on the prize, so to speak.

When I say prize, however, I don’t refer to a heavilyoutlined rehabilitation plan that happened to include “STOPSMOKING CRACK!” I mean that after Barry was released, he wasre-elected to city council in 1992.

Yay! Everyone gets a second chance! C’mon back MayorBarry. Want a little heroin after you freebase that crack? Justremember to sign the tax reform proposal on your desk anddon’t get so high that you can’t speak at that publicelementary school down the street!

Anyway, after little accomplishment in office, Barry all butforfeited the reigns in 1999 to his then chief financial officer,Anthony Williams, who currently is serving out the remainder of hissecond term as mayor.

Barry soon became reminiscent of public-office life just like weall get reminiscent of our high school days when watching the introto The Girl Next Door.

He obviously enjoys publicly exemplifying his stupidity, whichis why a K-9 unit detected crack and marijuana in his parked Jaguarwhile Barry was sitting in it in 2002. Oh, and this occurred duringhis campaign for city councilman.

But Barry just won’t go away. He’s like that strangeodor that constantly radiates from Veronica Terefenko’scubicle in the DC newsroom that refuses to bow down to anycommercial amount of Febreeze.

Even though Barry’s most recent campaigning debacle wasruined due to the aforementioned scandal, Barry — much like aperson who smoked crack would do — is back and aiming for theD.C. city council. Good for him, the little overachiever, becausehe’s expected to “dominate in the November generalelection,” according to washingtoncitypaper.com.

He already defeated six other candidates in the Democraticprimary on Sept. 15, receiving 57 percent of the overall votes.What the hell? D.C. voters must be extremely ignorant and stupid;or maybe they’re deaf and blind.

Frankly, I balk at the audacity that Barry has to even run for apublic office again. The man has gone to jail for crack use and hadto pull out of the 2002 city council race because of drugs.

Okay, I admit that crack-heads can be personable, cute andcuddly, and I’d definitely trust one to feed my littlebrother if I had to leave town for a few days.

Don’t you remember Chris Rock’s adorable characterPookie in the 1991 film New Jack City and the dude who played”crack-head Ezell” in Friday? I could just eat them upwith a spoon.

But the fact is that some level-headed person like SMU’sKelsey McKinney needs to either slap Barry in the face or make thevoters realize that they’re voting a druggy into office. Nomatter how low his seat would be, Barry has no business being onD.C.’s City Council. Just imagine how absurd his politicalrhetoric would be!

According to members.optusnet.com.au/~apfdfy/Crack.html,”cocaine and particularly freebase, squeezes out andneutralizes the brain’s and the body’s energy chemicalsso the user is left without reserves…he or she is empty of fuelto keep going, to keep alert, to stay energized, the more intensethe rise, the more intense the depression.”

They left out that freebasing crack is at the root of everygreat politician — Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt and, mostlikely, Nixon. Maybe Barry will do a great job though.

Washintoncitypaper.com asserts that “Barry hasacknowledged his addictions to cocaine, alcohol and sex, and heturned his recovery into a political asset.”

And that, Mustangs, is why Mr. Barry snags thecheer-of-the-week.

Although he’s a self-acknowledged crack-head, he’sstill an office-seeking lunatic.

I drink to you, Sir Barry. I hope that flushing yourconstituents’ obviously misdirected votes down the toiletgoes well for you.

Mack Mayo is a junior English major. He can be reached [email protected].