Tube tops unflattering, Juicy jackets still jazzy

Autumn officially began on Wednesday, but for us in Dallas, thatdoesn’t mean much. Cold fronts mean a low of 80 degrees inlate September at eight in the morning. So it is natural that wewill all be sporting our usual summer attire until just after fallbreak, if not later.

This is typically not a problem for anyone. I mean, whodoesn’t enjoy lying out by the pool between classes, sportingshorts and tank tops until October? The problem arises with thegirls’ summer fashion of short, flippy skirts and dresses, nopun intended. “I see London, I see France, I seeSally’s underpants” is not so uncommon with those nowfrequent gusts of autumn wind.

The 1960s brought a style of “mod squad” attire:a-line dresses, empire waists, bright, bold colors and geometricdesigns. Baby doll dresses were a staple in girls’ closets.Styles ranging from tied-straps and scrunched, elastic tops wereseen around America.

Almost half a century later, this style makes a comeback withnew fabrics and softer colors. Pam and Gela, designers and CEOs ofJuicy Couture, began their line of velour and terry cloth warm upsuits, inspired by their own love to shop.

With “reasonable” prices of about $88 for eachvelour or terry cloth piece (ranging from ruffled minis, terrytennis dresses, tub tie dresses, zip-up hoodies and drawstringpants) they’re covering the behinds of celebrities and female‘stangs.

“Like, duh!” you’re thinking. Well, maybe notin those exact words. You’ve probably been hiding under arock if you’ve never heard of the formerly mentioned Juicyattire. Even my mom knows what Juicy is, so it really must bepopular. I don’t have a problem with Juicy in general, so youcan stop searching for my direct hit on them. In fact, if I couldafford it, I would probably be clad in it from head to toe. Theirstyles are truly adorable and comfortable enough to sleep in(especially during class).

So what connection does this have with the start of autumn, youask? Aforementioned, the season is changing and winds are pickingup. And skirts are still…well, still pretty short. Which isfine, believe me, I know how hot it can get when walking aroundcampus. I’m sure all the boys love the skirts, right? Yeah,enter creepy nod.

My problem is with the shirred tube dress by Juicy Couture(don’t worry, I didn’t know the style name, I had tolook it up). Shopbop.com describes the dress as a”velour tube dress with smocked top and gathered waist. Hitsat mid thigh. Two inch side slits.” OK, let’s review.So this tube dress, it’s actually supposed to be a dress? Twoinch side slits, and it’s supposed to hit mid thigh? Stilldon’t know what this “dress” (I’m puttingin quotations, because I think it should be considered a shirt)looks like?

It’s the maternity-looking top.

Aahh, now you know. Yeah, it’s the one with no form. Theone that makes everyone look fat, no matter how many times you”work out” at Premier Club a day. The one that pushesyour boobs down so much, you may as well be 12 years old again, noteven big enough for a training bra.

The thing is, I have one. So don’t get all ticked off.Lots of girls have them. We all know they’re perfect for aFriday morning when you’re feeling particularly hung over andhave just shoved your face with Burger House, or the amazing onionrings, fries and Maui burgers (OK, maybe that’s just us girlsliving in the Theta house).

My really big problem with the “shirred tube dress”is when it’s worn sans pants underneath. To class. Oh, anddouble shame on you when paired with heels. Do you know howterrible this looks? I mean, it is most definitely not appropriateto be worn prancing around campus to class. It looks like amaternity top! What’s next, shopping at Pickles & IceCream and Pea in a Pod?

It’s completely unflattering. You lose all hopes of havinga feminine body when worn alone. It’s so short that as soonas you sit down, you’re covered in butt germs. Is it such ahassle to wear jeans underneath?

The one exception when I will allow nothing to be worn underthis “dress” is if a bathing suit is worn underneath.Only — and I mean only — then is it appropriate to wearin public. But that does not mean you can lie out between classesand then slip on the Juicy top when you have to go to class.

It honestly isn’t safe to wear this around sans pants.When this style first came out in the ‘60s, it was pairedwith hot shorts under the long shirt/dress, with socks pulled up tomid-calf. It was the mod squad look, not theyou-can-see-my-ass-when-there’s-a-breeze look. And you wonderwhy people are staring at you? You so have no right to give them arude look back.

Hey, I know it’s hot outside. Your sweat glands areworking overtime here, so I know the last thing you want to do isput on some pants. But please, for all of our sakes, don’tsport this look to class anymore. It’s inappropriate to beworn to class. And if you are wearing the Juicy tube dress withoutpants, you really better keep your hands down because that nextgust of wind will turn into a free peep show for those on-lookersbehind you.

Hill Fischer is a senior English major. She can be reached [email protected].