Midlife Crisis

Oh, how I love Family Weekend. This year’s was a success,so props to Student Foundation for much hard work that paidoff.

I love Family Weekend for various reasons, including watchingour parents consume alcohol. It’s always fun to escortparents to the trough of beer.

I think for most of us it’s hard to picture our parentsout of their element. But maybe for some, seeing our parents drinkisn’t completely out of the norm. I walked by a mom on hercell phone and overheard her say, “Come over now.There’s lots of booze.” That was another great momentin my life. I just don’t picture our parents doing and sayingthat sort of thing.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for us to come toterms with the fact that our parents are actual people, and theywere once young. Is it so hard to believe that your dad was a fratguy? Or your mom was a totally hot chick?

By now, I’m sure we’re all at that point in ourlives where our parents are going through a midlife crisis or havealready been through one. Adults seem to do the strangest thingswhen they realize they’re not going to live forever.

When my dad went through a midlife crisis, he did what mostmiddle age men do – he bought a sports car. Granted, it was noCorvette, but I think a 3000GT qualifies as a non-van, non-sedantype car. He started dressing differently, too. He revamped hiswardrobe with more color, and I’m convinced that my dadstarted the pink trend for guys.

I think my dad is currently going through phase two of themidlife crisis as he just recently turned fifty. He now shops atAmerican Eagle. What’s next, Abercrombie and Hollister? Heand my fourteen year-old brother now have the same taste inclothing. I’m sure they’ve hit up those stores already.I just haven’t seen the shopping bags for them yet.

I kid you not, Family Weekend, he showed up wearing cargo shortsand a polo. I was surprised the collar wasn’t turned up. Itnearly brought me to tears when I looked down at his feet andnoticed he was still wearing loafers.

If I ever find myself with a large sum of money, I would aid inmy father’s midlife crisis relief. I’d have to give hima lesson in pimpology. First thing’s first — the ride.I would buy him a pearl-white Escalade, crunked-out with 24-inchspinners and subs that will rattle so hard when he cruises up to alight, you’d look in your side-view mirror and expect to seea scene out of Jurassic Park. But no, it’s just a middle-agedAsian guy in a rapper’s car. Next is the work of flossing andflying. I’d get him a white suit to match the car, a whiteKangol hat and a cane, maybe some ice. Oh, we can’t forgetthe 10-inch gators.

My dad isn’t the only one going through a panic attack. Myfriend’s mom streamlined her wardrobe to consist of leopardprint, and that was only the beginning. My friend is thrilled thatshe will one day inherit an entire animal kingdom.

I went through a quarter-life crisis, and it was much to doabout nothing. That being the case, I’m sure I’ll gothrough a midlife crisis. I wonder what kind of crazy thingI’ll do, what change I’ll make to pull myself out ofthe slump of everydayness. I’m pretty sure I’ll have ameltdown of some sort first. And after five kids, I’llprobably need some plastic surgery. You know, to reverse theeffects of gravity. Maybe marry someone younger — Ihaven’t decided. And once everything has been done,I’ll write about it.

It’s funny how things work. When you’re young, youcan’t wait to grow up. So you spend the next thirty, forty,fifty years trying to grow up. And then you hit some benchmark inyour life, like a birthday where there are too many candles on thecake, and you realize all you did in your youth was try to grow up.So you spend the rest of it desperately trying to movebackwards.

Maybe growing up isn’t such a bad thing. There’s somuch to look forward to, so much essence surrounding you to helpyou fill your life. Saying “I do,” getting a dream job,having a bunch of giblets running around, celebrating a weddinganniversary, traveling the world, doing my own taxes without beingclaimed as a dependent.

I can’t wait to see what the hype is all about.

Ann Truong is a senior math and electrical engineering doublemajor. She may be contacted at [email protected].