Something to Drink to
Unless you’re an obsessive-compulsive people watcher or aconnoisseur of awkward eye contact and incessant solicitation,you’re probably like me and try to avoid the inexplicablemadness that comprises the Hughes-Trigg quad at all possiblecosts.
No one blames you. The quad is a headache that’s asunnecessary as the inarguable argument that Avril Lavigne is a punkrocker — our world would be better sans both.
But sometimes, the quad can be more fun than you everimagined.
It’s 5 p.m. and your last class has ended. You’repeacefully following the path toward the quad when you’resuddenly cast into another world — you’ve become aplayer in a twisted real life video game, complete withsoundtrack.
Listen closely, because the rules shall not be repeated —but you probably already know them by heart because you endure thebrutality daily.
There are nine levels that are personified by nine overwroughtcaricatures of SMU stereotypes. Your purpose is to win, and to winyou must travel unharmed from point A, Dallas Hall, to point B,Hughes-Trigg. Venture forth at your own peril, Mustangs, becausethere are no cheat codes.
You step onto the brick pathway, not knowing what will happen.Then James Earl Jones huskily bellows, “Neophyte, welcome tothe game. You have two minutes. Begin level one now!”
Your eyes dart side-to-side and you feel beads of sweat trickledown your swampy back. “What’s the firstobstacle?” you wonder, dry-mouthed. Then it materializes, andJill Sobule’s “Supermodel” begins playing.
Sissy Sorority-girl carelessly skips out from behind a facelessfirst-year, gargantuan book-bag swinging from her left shoulder.She wears a LiveStrong bracelet on her right wrist, and she’sgot a half-smoked Marlboro Ultra Light in her right hand.
No time to admire the utter hypocrisy of the situation, becauseSissy’s charging toward you, head down. Her eyes areconcentrated on fishing her cell phone from the enormous bag.She’s gonna run right over you!
You quickly side step to the right, barely dodging Sissy, amaneuver that gets you 75 points, but you’re not in theclear.
Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ “Come onEileen” starts playing, and suddenly Frampton Frat-Guy jumpsout from behind a wooden bench so quickly that his Rainbow sandalnearly decapitates you — but you pulled a classic Neo move.100 fast-response points.
Oh no! Here comes Freddy First-year-wants-a-Frat, and he’sblocking what once was a hole. No worries, because as Frampton andFreddy high-five, you spot another opening between the two. Youswiftly duck under Freddy and Frampton’s frat-five, almostcatching a forearm shiver to the forehead, but you’re fine.125 points.
Oh God. A weird techno re-mix of Justin Timberlake’s”Rock Your Body” starts playing, and there’sMarvin Metrosexual chattin’ up Amy Awkward First-year.
You can’t reverse because Freddy and Frampton are bumpingchests. You can’t go to the left because Sissy’stwirling her bag. You quickly, yet gracefully, pirouette to theright. You almost lose your footing in Marvin’s spilled hairgel, which would have taken away 15 life points in the upper righthand corner of your screen, but now you’re on to level five.200 technicality points.
You quickly squeeze behind Marvin and Amy, inching your waycloser to Hughes-Trigg when The Cure’s “TheSnakepit” begins playing, and you eye Nancy Non-conformityand company standing erect, unflinching to your wily attempts atpassing.
You’re stuck. What are you going to do? You’re sohot by now your shirt sticks to your chest, and Nancy andpals’ secondhand smoke from an afternoon chain-smokingmarathon leaves you breathless. You’re getting lightheaded,but you can’t let these conforming non-conformists hinderyour highest scoring game ever. You’ve already racked up 500points.
Wait. Nancy dropped her lighter, and with a split second’snotice you’re in the air hurdling over her back. 300wicked-crazy points.
Before you can regain your composure, Bob Seger’s”Against the Wind” starts to play, and you notice Carlthe Crazy Cyclist pedaling your way. He’s not wearing hisglasses, he can’t see you and he’s not moving.It’s a deadly game of chicken, but you stand your ground.Who’s going to bow down first!?
Luckily for you, a silly squirrel scrambles out in front of Carlwhile chasing a nut. Carl veers left, and you’re one levelaway from winning. 100 gratuitously lucky points.
You take a couple steps forward and Stealers Wheel’s”Stuck in the Middle with You” begins to play. You lookup and find yourself lodged between three tables of solicitors.
Righteous Richard attacks you, bombarding you with the questionsas to whether or not you’ve registered to vote. You give himthe stiff-arm, knocking him off his feet. 100 stellar movepoints.
Gabby the Greek Letter Girl screams at you to buy a ticket toher philanthropic event. She’s running full-tilt at you, butyou cover your ears and act like you’re nonchalantly chattingaway on your cell phone, allowing you to slyly spin off hershoulder, earning you 50 tact points.
You’ve got one more obstacle.
Olga the Ornery old lady tries to shove some religiouslyenlightening pamphlet into your hands. You refuse and try to danceto either side, but she’s a crafty old bird and blocks yourpath.
Desperately searching for help, you point to a lanky lad dressedin pitch-black clothing and whisper in her ear that he’s aSatanist, and you know it. Shocked, she glances that way for aninstant, just long enough for you to sprint past her to theHughes-Trigg double-doors, and you blast into the studentcenter.
You win! 1,000 bonus points.
The music ceases as your pulse slows.
“Good job, crafty fellow,” rasps James Earl Jones.”You’ve passed your mission and hold the all-timehighest score in The Game’s history: 2,050 points. I hope therest of your days passing through The Hughes-Trigg Quad Game are asgreat as today.
You win this week’s cheer-of-the-week, good friend. Idrink to you!
Mack Mayo is a junior English major. He can be reached [email protected].
