As the SMU Mustangs face off against the TCU Horned Frogs tomorrow, more is at stake than the outcome of one football game.
Tomorrow, the two rivals fight for their respective school’s honor and the chance to take home the Iron Skillet.
Like in all rivalries, there can be only one winner. In the end, only one school will walk off the field champion.
In the spirit of the game, I’ve used a rigorous scientific means of computing the winners of several other famous rivalries. I’ve selected important factors, assigned them point values and tallied them up. The result is the final word in rivalry science.
Yankees versus Red Sox (Sauron vs. Voldemort)The Yankees have Derek Jeter (+1 point), the pinstripes (+1 point), the most professional sports championships in North American history (+26 points), and Alex Rodriguez (-10 points). Please, tell me what the Red Sox have? Winner: Yankees.
Capulets versus MontaguesThe Montagues have “a plague on both your houses” (+1 point), Queen Mab (+1 point) , and Romeo’s whiny soliloquies (-3 points). The Capulets have Tybalt (+3 points), the Nurse (-10 points), and Claire Danes (+6 points). Winner: Two houses, both alike in dignity.
Alien versus PredatorBoth starred in the two greatest science fiction/ action films of all time (+ 1,000,000 points). Winner: The world of cinema.
The Rebel Alliances versus the EmpireThe Rebels have Luke Skywalker (-10 points), Han Solo (+10 points), the Ewoks (-2 points), Admiral Ackbar (+2 points) and Chewie (+5 points). The Empire has Darth Vader (+5 points), cooler lightsabers (+3 points), and the Death Star (+10 points). Winner: Wait, how did the Rebel Alliance win?
Britney Spears versus InsanityBritney has “Womanizer” (+2 points), “Stronger” (-2 points), and that sort-of-kind-of sexy snake dance (+3 points). Insanity has her shaved head (+3 points), those gross photos of her getting out of a car (+5 points) and some serious issues with her kid (+5 points). Winner: MTV and the tabloids.
Luckily, no mathematical analysis is needed to guess who is going to win tomorrow night. Go Mustangs. Give ’em hell.
