America rules. That is a fact. Let me make that clear because I love this country more than anything. It has made my life absolutely worth living because of the basic freedoms afforded by the First through 13th Amendments.
That said, America has a problem that it needs to deal with. It’s worse than a crying baby in the next room; it’s worse than having someone slash your tires. The problem America faces right now is like having a railroad company buy the land next to your house the day before Christmas. On Christmas morning you wake up to your kids screaming and there’s a construction worker peeing on the Christmas tree in the living room, and he’s also an illegal immigrant coming to take your job with no insurance.
First there is Iraq. This pisses me off because we were told in the beginning that it was going to take a month and cost about $10 billion. Those little lying bastards have cost me more than tax dollars; they’ve completely obliterated my faith in the federal government.
As I see it, there are two things the U.S. government can do: make us rich and lie to everyone. Up until the war in Iraq they were not mutually exclusive, and now I’m looking at a $600 tax refund with the knowledge that it will buy approximately one third as much gas as it would before 3,000 American kids went over to get shot in the sandbox by a bunch of Halliburton stockholders.
That’s ridiculous. Worst of all, most of those kids didn’t even understand basic calculus because our education system sucks. Why on earth are we telling the rest of the world what to do when we’ve got seniors in high school who can’t read?
No child left behind, my ass, Mr. Bush.
Actually, we are leaving kids behind; we’re leaving lives in the desert. I don’t care about Iraqi boys and girls; they mean about as much as the pets left out after Katrina. That is, they are not on my list of priorities.
Sure, the Iraq war makes sense when you consider that Saddam tried to kill the U.S. president, so we wrecked his country and had him lynched on YouTube. Unfortunately, that’s the only way that you can justify the war without having someone mention a bunch of B.S. about ‘peak oil,’ ‘Al Samood Missiles,’ ‘Israel’ or ‘al-Qaida,’ which is funny because as of Sept. 10, 2001, Saddam Hussein was pretty much at war with al-Qaida himself.
So what we should do is just admit that yes, Iraq is a big mistake and they are just a bunch of kids who can’t take care of themselves. Let’s announce to the world that we are going to pull out of Iraq and rename it “Muslim Paradise.” It might also be appropriate to point out that the Hindus in India are doing a really good job, and we’d like to see if Islam is a better religion by comparison.
When was the last time you heard of a Hindu extremist?
Oh, I remember one, his name was Ghandi, and guess how many heads he had to saw off on YouTube to become a pillar of respect around the world? Here’s a hint: It’s less than six.
I’ll tell you one thing, the Hindus had a much better solution than just blowing everything up and killing anyone who doesn’t pray five times a day. I mean, you can’t eat cows, but even if you do it’s not like you are going to get your head sawed off on the Internet.
And really, you have to wonder who goes and saws off a head.
Like, I have really good friends, but I can’t think of one who I’d call up and be like, “Hey, we gotta saw this guy’s head off, but I just got new carpeting so I was wondering if we could use your place. What? No, no, we’ve been torturing him for days, so if he wants to escape let him try. Yeah, well, that would work, but Samir shot him in the kneecap, so if you want to lock the windows anyway, that’s great. We gotta go kill our neighbors and steal their donkey first, so we’ll cart on over around 5 p.m.”
The president should be required to take at least one test during his term of service, and any American student who gets the exact same score, right down to missing No. 6 in the reading section, should get free admission and college tuition ANYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES as well as a trip to the moon. I mean, hell, we’ve been going there for like 40 years and it’s about time some of those kids we’ve been promising a moon base to have a snowball’s chance in hell of seeing it.
I’ve got the best politically correct idea on earth. Let’s go to Baghdad, find an African-Iraqi single, unwed teen who’s a mother of twins and make her the first human on Mars. Or we could make a human out of the arms of a Native American, the legs of a white guy, the head of an Asian and the body of an oppressed Polish Rabbi and make him secretary of state. Who cares what he thinks, we’re progressive…
We need to take care of our problems back home, like making sure kids can spell when they graduate high school.
College acceptance doesn’t matter, because though it’s great to be the first person in your family to get a degree, it would mean even more if it were from Harvard instead of “The DeVry School of Automotive Mechanics.”
The solution to the problem is not to raise the bar, it’s to keep up with everyone else. The first step is Iraq. Let’s pull everyone out and leave it to Delta and a few Spectre gunships to rescue any Americans still captured. Troop surge, my ass. If you want a troop surge, do a real one and draft every American over the age of 18 starting with the direct male descendants of every member of Congress, the Supreme Court and the Senate. Iraq will be fine without us, it’s the Tigris and Euphrates, the birthplace of human culture. Then again, Olduvai Gorge is the birthplace of humanity and it’s a barren wasteland.
Or how about this: Let’s just give them all electricity all day, every day. It gets to over 120 degress in Sadre City during the summer, and people are curious why they hate the Americans? Of course they hate us, we’re giving people heat stroke.
Where has our credibility gone? Don’t you guys remember when we nuked 100,000 civilians in Japan and just got off, scott free? Who cares if they deserved it or not, at least one person in that city got melted down to neutrons and an isotope from their former wedding ring that may be part of that awesome, sexy watch you bought yesterday.
Remember ’45? We had bases in France, China, Berlin, Africa, the Philippines and basically everywhere else that hates us now.
Of course they liked us back then, mostly due to that Hitler fellow. What we need is another foreign leader in charge of a giant failing economy to nationalize the industrial complex, harken back to the old days of Empire and brutally overstep his reach of power. That or Russia, America works really well with both.
It’s also time to make a rule against shooting the president. Like, we forgot to make rules against school shootings with bad results, so let’s make it a double whammy and make a special rule against ‘Shooting Students and the President’ with really horrific penalties.
I know a lot about shooting. “Doom 2” put me through elementary and I can still school anyone reading this at “Goldeneye,” which is to “Halo” what hardcore porn is to airplane romance novels. Much more simple, direct and brutal. Especially when that one kid you always thought was a bit of a whiner picks Oddjob and then gets all defensive about picking a target half the size of everyone else. Guess what, he was the only guy in our group who got into medical school. Ben, you bastard Aryan, blue-eyed Satan. If I ever break my legs in a car accident, I don’t want you near the table because you’ll amputate my legs and turn me into Oddjob.
While we’re doing non-sequitors, the environment needs to be taken care of. Not to sound smug, but don’t you find it a little disturbing that if you had to breathe out of your exhaust pipe when you drove to work you would probably die before you arrived?
I think it’s a little ridiculous that “Basic Logic” is a college level course. That is the kind of thing I would like my kid to learn by fifth grade. Maybe we could throw in some algebra too, but let’s not be cocky.
By the way, go Jesus. And guess what, SMU, I didn’t shoot a single person. Booyah, in your face, Officer Norris.
