A moderate proposition for swift justice
It is no doubt widely apparent to anyone who frequents publicareas that a widespread epidemic of obesity plagues our fairnation. The poor sufferers of this particular ailment may be seensweating, wheezing, and lumbering about restaurants, shopping mallsand other gathering venues, to the distress of bystanders anddetriment to their own bodies.
Indeed, the FDA reports that a solid 30 percent of Americanssuffer from obesity, and lists the health risks of such conditionin a somber litany of difficulties. Heart disease, stroke, highblood pressure, diabetes, gall stones and some forms of cancer(including breast, prostate, colon, ovarian, rectal and uterine)are but a few of the risks posed by the extravagant corpulence that75 million Americans endure.
The afflicted spend $33 billion a year on weight-reductionprograms to little avail, as obesity rates continue to rise. “Dietfailure” is a common fiasco endured by these poor souls.Nutrition-conscious and health-aware individuals advocate “adequateexercise” and “increased activity” as essential components ofprogress toward a more fulfilling lifestyle.
As thighs munificently expand and love handles blossom, yetanother gloomy predicament creeps toward the good citizens of theUnited States.
The energy reserves upon which we so dearly rely have begun arapid dwindle with little hope for the future of Hummers and35-inch PC monitors in sight. For honest, decent, freedom-lovingAmerican citizens to be forced to countenance a life withoutbig-screen TVs is far too abhorrent an injustice for me totolerate.
Therefore, I humbly propose the following solution to both ofthe aforementioned dilemmas.
A reliable source has informed me that a healthy child on apedal bicycle can easily generate and sustain an output of 300watts of electrical energy per minute, via the use of a simplealternator.
Assuming that this rate can be matched by a fully-grown obeseadult, the combined energy potential of the plump population ofAmerica totals 13.5 million megawatts of power per hour.
Peak electrical demand for the entire state of Texas is only70,000 megawatts of energy per year to sustain current levels ofconsumption. Thus, with fat people riding in shifts with which theyare reasonably comfortable and to which their schedules may be madeto comply, the entire nation could easily be supplied with ampleelectrical power gleaned solely from the pedal-pushing of itslarger residents.
The sustained levels of activity provided by stationary-bikeriding would soon have the flabbier members of society fit andtoned, enjoying the newfound freedom of their rock-hard thighs andbuttocks of marble. And America’s proud energy users could restassured that their stereos and washing machines were being poweredby potatoes and pasta, with polluting emissions levels atpractically zero (the unfortunate flatulence exhibited by some ofour chubbier compatriots notwithstanding).
Furthermore, in order to help curb the consumption of fossilfuels required by the use of automobiles, some of the sprightliersizeable community members could be hitched to bicycle-poweredriding apparatuses in which commuters and travelers could betransported from place to place free of charge.
The resulting lowered dependence on Middle Eastern oil reserveswould undoubtedly extinguish any need for spurious and self-servingwar talk in Washington.
Or if this innovation somehow failed to put the goodpoliticians’ well-founded fears to rest, the energy produced bybike-riding tubbies could be temporarily diverted to illuminate amulti-billion watt flashlight to shine over the entirety of Iraq’slandscapes and dark crevices.
The sheer blinding power of the tremendous fat-powered Mag-Litewould indubitably expose any hidden missiles or anthrax-ladensuitcases. In the extremely unlikely case that any weapons remainedconcealed, the gargantuan luminosity alone would render the entirepopulation of the region too blind to use them anyway.
I am aware that such an efficient and universally appealingprogram cannot maintain itself in perpetuity. As the copiousadipose tissue of hefty riders melts away, new forms of energyproduction will certainly be required. Then again, as long asKrispy Kreme and Big Mac consumption persists, perhaps the supplyof qualified energy riders will be sustained. Maybe the programcould expand to encompass young women who have been convenientlyindoctrinated with self-hatred for their bodies. The possibilitiesare endless.
In any event, bike power will facilitate an interval of clean,efficient and unanimously beneficial energy. It will allow thediligent and magnanimous researchers and corporations to completethe scientific pursuits upon which they have been working sotirelessly in their quest for a clean, renewable alternative energysource.
As I’m sure readers will be relieved to learn, I have sent adetailed version of this failsafe plan to the U.S. Department ofEnergy in Washington. Expect to see implementation arrangementsensue in coming weeks.
