Last semester a secret university committee met to discuss a dire issue. Studies had shown that SMU’s average body weight had been on the rise. Considering SMU’s reputation for beautiful people and fit students, something had to be done.

While they discussed many things like extending Dedman’s hours and offering financial incentives for being beautiful, the committee decided upon a final, drastic step. They would tear up the entire center of the campus with construction, forcing students to add miles onto their daily commute to circumnavigate all of the campus work.

Want to get to Hughes-Trigg from the new dorms? That’s an extra 15 minutes walking. Have the serious misfortune of being an engineering student who has any classes outside of the Lyle school quad? Have fun walking your legs off.

The committee expects the average student bodyweight to drop by 5 pounds or so by the time the planned construction is complete. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and there is no other logical reason why one would close down major campus thoroughfares during the year for anything else besides the health of the students.