Guy Talk

For those of you keeping score at home I’m now 0 for 15when it comes to boozing and finishing out the night.

While my birthday was enjoyable I fell short of my goal byalmost three hours. In my defense, I would have made it until twoif it hadn’t been for the tequila shots (a.k.a. knock you onyour ass in a bottle).

To my date, that I left single and baffled, I apologizeemphatically for my poor performance. Fortunately what is in thepast is in the past. So let’s move on from my B-day to theV-day.

Aah, Valentine’s Day. For some Valentine’s Day isnothing more than a Hallmark holiday marking one’s inabilityto find a significant other.

For others it is a holiday dedicated solely to making men lookclueless. For many it becomes just another reason to turn down thelights and do the hibbity-jibbity.

I personally think that Valentine’s Day gives people thechance to express their affection for someone important in theirlife. Unfortunately, the last Valentine’s Day I participatedin was three years ago. So take my advice with caution.

I have decided to share my tips with you to make thisValentine’s Day weekend an enjoyable one.

Things to do

Jewelry might be one of the best gifts on the list. Simple, heor she will love it and it reminds them of the other half everytime it is worn. You know what that one commercial says,”Every kiss begins with K.”

Well, that is a crock. Every kiss begins with you digging intoyour pocket and pulling out the cash to buy a nice piece of bling.This time of the year you can find some steals in the bottom of aCracker Jack box. However, don’t forget to eat all of theevidence.

Flowers are always a nice save. They smell better than yourarmpits, so you have already won.

They will look nice displayed in a bedroom, kitchen or window,and they scream, “Look what I got.”

It is important not to go cheap with flowers. Roses are easy,but creativity can score major points. Find a favorite color or afavorite scent and try to work out a small bouquet. Just rememberthat flowers, just like goldfish, always die in the end.

A nice dinner can be key. If you take the dinner route it isimportant to go big or go home. Taco Bell is ideal, but it might bebooked solid. The dinner can set the tone for the entireevening.

How much more attractive will you look after honking down threebean burritos? See what I’m talking about? Others will tellyou to go to fancy downtown restaurants. That’s OK if youdon’t mind the bankroll. Personally, I would go original. Macand cheese and a few drinks could be a great setup to a movienight. Plus, anybody that can cook is already ahead of thegame.

Closing out the evening is what really matters. Don’tspend hours and dollars busting out the smooth game only to flopwhen it really counts.

Music, lighting and timing are all important. Most rookies willplay tracks from Barry White or Marvin Gaye. Big mistake. Veteranswho know the routine put the motion in the ocean withLudacris’, “What’s Your Fantasy” and LLCool J’s “Doin’ It.”

Start off soft and slow then turn up the bass and rock theplace. Candles will do the trick, strobes are for the risky few.Don’t rush. We both know who is going to finish first, soplease stall.

Things to not do

Don’t stalk the person you wish you were going with.Showing up at their place of work, dating them without theirknowledge and hiding from them in public places are all signs of astalker. If you like the person, try to let them know in a moresubtle way than offering to take your clothes off at theirconvenience.

Don’t buy condoms in bulk. The last thing you want to dois pull off the perfect evening and then bust out the 250 valuepack. If you are going to attempt that move you might as well justshow up to dinner naked.

Don’t take your best friend’s ex out for theevening.

Nothing says friendship less than a swift kick in the groin froma best friend. Unless maybe the ex is extremely attractive, inwhich case you might want to weigh the positives and thenegatives.

Don’t plan a weekend getaway to Cambodia. Sure the scenerywill look real nice until you step on a land mine. Not to mentionthere is a pretty solid chance of being attacked by militantguerillas. In the end, I guess it would be better than a trip toCanada, but I still wouldn’t recommend it.

Don’t attempt to go on multiple dates. First of all,multiple trips to Taco Bell could become extremely expensive.

Second, there is no need to waste a date on such a demandingweekend. Hold off on the second date until maybe St.Patrick’s Day and then go get smashed at the local pub.Unless your dates are extremely good looking and highlyintellectual twins, in which case I say go for it.

Well I rolled over all of the ground-rules, now you have to makesure and go out and execute. Remember, there is only oneValentine’s Day per year, so there is no room for error. Thenyou don’t have to tell the person you care for another 364days. Best of luck all you crazy romantics.

For questions, comments or concerns contact Guy [email protected].