As I sit here in my “Thundercats” underwear, watching “MacGyver” on my big screen with a cigar in one hand and a half-full bottle of Jager in the other, I realize somethi: Life can not get any better than this. Suddenly, my sobbing wife pops out of nowhere and I react quicker than lightning as I hop up, toss my cigar and Jager to the floor and offer up a tissue once used to stuff the front of my undies. After my MacGyver-inspired reaction and a quick trip to the fire extinguisher (Note: Jager and cigar create fire), I ask my wife what could have possibly upset her so much. She then proceeds to tell me the two words that will change my life forever: “I’m pregnant.”

Dumbfounded, I ask myself: What would my hero, MacGyver, do? Would he create some sort of time machine out of two ginger ales and a dreidle to stop me from being so amorous on the night of conception? Or maybe he would simultaneously fix our health-care system and win the lottery with a single turn of a screwdriver? Probably not, but I did see him use a piece of chocolate to…nevermind, back to the story.

As I go back to my hysterically crying wife and reassure her that all is well, she starts to throw out all of the normal worries associated with having a baby. In the midst of her rant, I have the terrifying epiphany of a lifetime. There is going to be a person who thinks and acts EXACTLY LIKE ME…the Armageddon cometh.

And all at once I realize that a baby will be the greatest challenge to our ever-changing early 20s life. Once I’ve had some time to think about it, I realize that we are the perfect candidates for a baby. Check out these stats:

Married over 2 years

Ample friend and family support

I think pregnant chicks are hot

College educated parents

A good MacGyver-loving household

With these new realizations, I grab my wife and squeeze her as I whisper in her ear how excited I truly am. Always the optimist, I start to see how wonderful this new journey will be. I am going to be a dad…whew, that sounds weird.

But still in the back of my mind I worry, thinking that perhaps this isn’t the perfect time for us to have a baby. And maybe we’re just not ready? Then I calm myself and remember all of the times my friend Mac was caught in stickier situations and how he always came out unscathed.

So, you know what? I can do this and I am unafraid. Babies smell fear.

After a little more crying and worrying, my wife calms down enough to call her mother and share the big news. Meanwhile, I flip the TV back on and stare blankly at the screen thinking only of a new life to come. Deep in thought, my mind abruptly stops on a new fact: I am even better than the great MacGyver. Mostly due to the fact that I made a baby…I mean think about it, I made a person!

Luckily, I’ve already got the perfect name in mind. Let me tell you, baby MacGyver will be the greatest kid ever.

About the writer:

Matt Villanueva is junior advertising major. He can be reached at [email protected]