Guy talk

Fill in this sentence. What happens in ___ stays in ___.

Bust out the tanning lotion, the swimsuit and the bottles uponbottles upon bottles of choice beverage. Spring break has arrived.What a great set of words. Spring break.

Spring break rivals vocabulary pairs such as free food,men’s room, safe sex, public intoxication and hamsterbutt.

There aren’t two words more powerful when placed insuccession in the entire English language. Maybe booty call, butlet’s just not count that one.

Remember the guy that invented the writing on the back of theshort shorts?

I’m starting to think he might have had a long-lost twinbrother that invented spring break. One week, no rules and enoughstories to make Stephen King look like a pen pal.

For seven days during the year students cut loose on beachesacross the country and all over the world.

Some take trips to foreign lands, others just head back home.Yet, better than the nice weather and constant opportunities toshare physical desires, is the opportunity to roll with a cleanslate. All of the rumors, stereotypes and gossip that may followyou across campus simply disappear for a week.

I wish my inner-thigh rash would just disappear for a week.

Last week I took a trip to Indiana University to visit a friendfrom high school.

I was amazed at how easy it is to meet people and developrelationships when they don’t have any predeterminedperception of what you are like.

Hanging out up there was easier than “the cough”during a doctor’s physical exam.

The ladies and gentlemen at IU were so friendly that I felt likeI was walking through the grocery store on that day when everybodysmiles at you and wants to give you a free sample.

I only spent five days up at IU, so imagine the possibilities ofgoing somewhere under the radar for an entire week.

On spring break you can act like the coolest person in thebuilding because nobody there knows whether you write for the paperor if the paper writes about you.

Anybody can walk the walk and talk the talk because the sun isso bright that people can’t tell your right leg is fourinches shorter than your left, and the music is so loud that thecasual stutter sounds more like a distant accent.

On spring break you never have to explain yourself.

At school, every action you take requires an explanation of somesort.

I have heard multiple silly rumors and falsities about myselfover the four years I have been here.

From worshiping the devil to make-believe relationships,egotistical actions and racial incompetence — my name isalways tossed in the mix.

Yet, I wonder if anybody really knows me, or if they just liketo make things up that sound interesting.

I would bet most people don’t know the person sitting nextto them, their roommates or even a close friend.

Most recently I was approached and asked if I was gay.

First of all, just because I have earrings doesn’t make megay. Elton John has earrings and he … oh man. Badexample.

OK, I got one. Have you seen how I dress? I couldn’t befurther from gay.

Now see, I just took a stereotype (gay men are good dressers)and used it to denounce the rumor. In all actuality, I don’tknow if all gay men are good dressers or not. In reality, Idon’t care.

On spring break it won’t matter because I shouldn’thave to worry about the silly rumors. Clean slate.

People in today’s society need an explanation foreverything. I wake up every day and wonder why Vanilla Ice nevercut another major album.

On spring break you don’t have to explain anything. Howdid my underwear get on the ceiling fan? Why am I handcuffed to thebedposts? Why are we all out of whipped cream, ice cubes and FruitRoll-ups?

If you don’t know the answer to a question, just make itup.

Kind of like when you have to write that huge essay question foryour first-year English final. You think you know what you shouldput down, but the b.s. is going to read just as well.

There are only three ways you can really mess up a springbreak.

The first is to go to the same place that your significant otheris going. Second is to pretend that you know the foreign languagewell enough to argue with the police officer about why you thoughtthat the Toyota was a bathroom stall. Last, never and I mean never,bring home anything you might need to have removed by a laser.

You guys are sick; I was talking about a tattoo.

Don’t get me wrong — tattoos are cool looking. Butwhen the Corona wears off the next morning, “Spring Break2004” isn’t going to look very cool tattooed acrossyour waistline. Plus, nobody ever wants to wake up and see a tigerrunning through the jungle tattooed across his rear.

So clean the slate, forget the rumors and gossip. Live it up forthe next week of your life.

When you return, people are going to still think they know allabout you, but the joke is on them because the way your trip went,they probably don’t know the half of it.

For questions, comments or concerns, send an e-mail to Guy [email protected].