The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

American idol, British jerk

Wise ass Beyond My Years
 American idol, British jerk
American idol, British jerk

American idol, British jerk

Nonsense fills our lives, my pups. And if there’s one thing on our planet that screams non sequitur, it’s Fox’s “American Idol.” If the Fox network were a professional, it’d be a personal injury lawyer. Or maybe a porn star, though the difference between the two is unquestionably small. Both are known for faking and work primarily in screwing.

Anyway, as some of you know, “American Idol” features Simon Cowell, who judges star-crazed youth on their singing ability. For some reason, the American public views this bloke with reverence. He has recently visited several stops on the promotion circuit, such as the “please make them stop” “Regis and Kelly Show” and “pass the bong” “Daily Show.”

What I want to know is, when did Simon Cowell become a celebrity?

As I perused the Time magazine Web site, I happened upon a quote of his from a recent show. “If you lived 2,000 years ago and sang like that,” the aloof one said, “they would have stoned you to death.”

Why do we live in a society that celebrates someone for being rude? The guy makes a few wisecracks about tone-deaf teenagers and we hail him as the end-all vocal talent afficionado? Doesn’t anyone realize he’s British?

Most important in my adroit line of questioning, why aren’t I the judge?

So here it is. Considering our flagging economy, we as Americans have a responsibility to keep as much American currency in our country. Yet the good people at Fox insist on sending it to a foreign account. In all honesty, I’d say the chap needs to lose a few pounds rather than gain a few Euros.

All (terrible) jokes aside, I could do the exact same job as this guy, but I’d promise to blow all the money I’d be paid, thereby bolstering our economy. And come on, it’s not like Simon Cowell is coming up with groundbreaking lines.

Case in point – say some blue-haired, tattoo-covered wannabe sang a hip song like Petula Clark’s “Downtown” (I listen to NPR, so I have no idea what the kiddies are listening to these days). If it were a legendarily plebeian performance, I’d spout out something like, “That was so bad that I’m seriously considering peeing on you.”

Now hold on, ethics board of Fox television (perhaps the grandest oxymoron in recorded history) – I would never actually engage in an activity as egregiously offensive as that maneuver, but it’s still funny. And bear in mind, I’d only be doing it to help our economic situation while increasing ratings.

Or maybe some headband-wearing, gum-chewing tenor might croon “Papa Don’t Preach,” and I would say something similar to: “Wow, that’s amazing. Actually, your mother just called, and she thinks it’d be best if I cut out your tongue.”

Before I get too obscene here, I’d like us to reflect on what has just happened.

All right, one more. “You’ve just changed my stance on infanticide.” Bada-bing.

At any rate, my point: We think this Simon mutt is so original and witty and sharp and linguistically coy, yet I can say with reasonable certainty that every day, this shmuck spends hours thinking up new zingers to wow the illiterate public.

Listen, people, you just don’t say the “If you lived 2,000 years ago” line off the top of your head. So because he plans his comments, Simon should lose his status as an original talent judge. All he is, folks, is an jerk.

Aw, heck. The guy’s funny and I would sure like his job. I realize my argument is weaker than the plot of an episode of “Celebrity Mole.”

Wait a minute . . . SMU plans to host “Mustang Rocks” at the half-time of men’s basketball games. Are they looking for a judging jerk? I’m not sure, but I think I’ll leave my phone line free.

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