Guy talk

I have been slacking for the last few weeks. I will be the firstto admit that I haven’t really had much to talk aboutlately.

Don’t get me wrong, I always have things to talk about,just nothing of worry to fill this column.

Until today.

The post spring break slump is over. I’m coming back andthrowing punches.

I want to talk about drinking in college. I also want to talkabout common sense. I hope to relate common sense with collegedrinking and warp it all into a nice little article.

OK, enough of this tease — on with the show.

What we have here is a dry campus. I don’t understand thisphenomenon, no beer on campus. My first year on the Hilltop, I readan article printed on the front page of the DC that ranked the Ponyparty scene in the top-20 in the nation, according to the PrincetonReview.

Yeah, we play some wicked games of Scrabble and Twister whilethe endless root beer flows. Chips and salsa for everyone.

How exactly does a dry campus gain the reputation as a partyschool?

Could it be because the campus allows drinking?

Or does it?

In my four years here I have heard, read and been a part ofnumerous drinking altercations on campus. The police report isfilled with instances of public intoxication and underage drinkingweek after week.

So what exactly is the stance on drinking?

On Saturday the Boulevard opens up, and drinking is acceptablefor a certain period of time. Then everything goes right back todry as soon as the game is over.

Does this possibly encourage binge drinking?

Where is the line between drinking being acceptable and drinkingbeing illegal?

The battle seems to be a losing cause. Trying to tell a collegekid not to consume alcohol is like trying to tell a porn star notto have sex.

Imagine if porn stars lived on this campus.

Attention all porn stars, no having sex please. Unless it isSaturday and we have a home game then you can have sex on theBoulevard with all of your friends from around 11 a.m. until sevenor eight at night. Please stop having sex at some point and makeyour way to the stadium to watch the football.

Or if you want to have sex you can go to any of the numerousbrothels on lower Greenville or on SMU and Yale boulevards. Thebrothels provide the opportunity to have as much sex as possiblebefore returning to the land of chastity (formerly known as SMU).Many of the brothels offer daily sex specials encouraging studentsto frequent the establishments.

If you are caught having sex in the hallway of a fraternityhouse on campus, immediately jump into a bedroom and lock thedoor.

SMU police aren’t allowed to stop illegal physicalactivity if it is behind one of the magical doors. As long as themagical door remains shut and locked the officer can only yellscary things.

No arrests will be made.

Side note: After you have lots of sex, do not attempt to leavethe house. SMU undercover officers are located throughout thecampus and will arrest you.

If you are a young porn star, please don’t have sex in thedorms. This puts your RA in a difficult situation. The RA isresponsible to break up any instances of sex that they witness.

However, RA’s were your age once and enjoyed having sex inthe dorms as well. Underage sex is a problem across the country.Most porn stars started having sex before they ever got to college.Why stop now?

The night is much more enjoyable after 10 or 12 sexual acts.

Unfortunately on this campus there will be none of that.

Unless you hire a rent-a-cop to monitor your party and you keepall sex confined to a room on the second floor in the back of thebuilding.

I hope I got my point across. There is no way to fight thisproblem. In fact, there are numerous ways to try and improve theproblem. I’m pretty sure that there are people on this campusthat get paid to find ways to improve and relate to studentlife.

What have they been up to lately?

I will be quick to point that I’m not trying to single outany part of the institution. This is an obvious problem thataffects us all.

Growing up I used to argue with my mother about all kinds ofstuff. I would tell her that while she was probably a million timessmarter than I was, her common sense just wasn’t there.

The same goes.

I’m not the smartest guy in the world. There are probablybig wigs on this campus that are light years ahead of me, and Iwill probably never catch up.

However, common sense is something I do posses. My common sensetells me you can’t drive down a street in one car, bothdirections, at the same time. So stop trying. Take a stance andquit the b.s.

Good students have taken falls because of the inability toacknowledge this problem.

Guy Talk is back!

Guy Bellaver is a senior staff writer. For questions,comments or concerns, send an e-mail to [email protected].