James not worth Hummer

For my 18th birthday I got a chocolate cake with yellow icing (my favorite) and a new pair of Jordans. My friends threw me a surprise party and we bought cigarettes just because we could. High school athlete LaBron James got a Hummer. James’ “gift from his mom” has three televisions and is valued in the neighborhood of $55,000. For that much, he could almost go here for two years. Almost.

Questions are being raised about where James’ parents got the money for such an expensive present, and his mother said the worst thing she could have said when asked about the gift. “No comment.” Fortunately, I have enough for me and Mrs. James.

LaBron is the most visible and exploited high school athlete in history. Some say that he’s better than Kobe Bryant was at that age. Others boast that Tracy McGrady wasn’t that far along. To the contrary, they were. And they would still eat this infant alive.

If not for the success of Bryant and McGrady, along with new Phoenix Suns forward Amare Stoudemire, no one would have cared how James played. But now, ESPN broadcasts high school games that have only proven one thing: James is truly a man among boys. College recruiters have given way to pro scouts as Labron runs a train on everybody. The kid is good. Really good. But good enough for a Hummer?

I always said that if my kid had a 4.2 on a 4.0 scale, ran for president at the age of 9, saved a puppy from a burning building, found a cure for cancer and was the second coming of Jesus, the best he could hope for is a brand new, fully-loaded Honda Accord. But no one would pay to see him do any of that stuff.

James’ game tickets are selling in the neighborhood of $20 apiece. You can attend a Mavericks game for that much. Most high school events charge less than $5. And the kid doesn’t disappoint.

But it doesn’t matter how good you are, you can still be called for a foul. There are no rules against giving a high school player gifts like there are for colleges. It’s one of those things that you just hope no one does.

Well, someone did, and it can’t be just his mother. As officials investigate this gift, the story has just begun. If James goes to college, that university will be under more scrutiny than the Iraqi military.

The NBA team that drafts him or the agent that signs him will no doubt be a suspect in the eyes of the sports police.

James’ gift is only a reflection of a new and complex problem that no one truly knows how to handle. Converging media can put James in a thousand places at once. NBA franchises look for the next high-flying future all-star. Colleges are willing to pay someone to pay someone to pay someone to pay someone, etc. to get the best athletes and, in turn, the big television or shoe contract.

The James Hummer is shiny and new in more than one way. It’s a shiny new problem that no one knows what to do about. Except me. Make him rescue a puppy and give him an Accord.