It’s a mad, mad, mad world
For too long this column has provided only a narrow view of the events of the world. With a week (or more) between entries, often stories that deserve attention fall through the cracks. To address this egregious failing, let’s check in with some of our far-flung teams of crack journalists, and find out what’s going on in this crazy world.
From the “If You’re Not With Us, You’re Against Us” Department.
One of the best ways for average Americans to help in the war on terror (aside from spying on your neighbors and calling John Aschroft to give him the heads up, of course) is to cut our dependency on foreign oil.
There are all sorts of ways to do this. Carpool. Wear a sweater when it’s cold, like everyone’s favorite ex-president, Jimmy Carter. And don’t drive one of those gas guzzling, needlessly large, unsafe-at-any-speed sports utility vehicles.
And on a related note, President Bush passed a tax credit for up to $75,000 for self-employed Americans who buy one of those behemoths. Hey, wait a second . . .
From the “Don’t Mess with Mickey Mouse©®” Department.
In a blow for beleaguered mega-corporations everywhere, the Supreme Court upheld the Sonny Bono Copyright Extension Act this past week. Now the world will be safe from the scourge that the enrichment of the public domain would be.
Just because Disney© Sony®, Fox™ and others have made billions over the last century repackaging and remolding classic public-domain stories doesn’t mean that they should be required to actually give back to the community from which they have taken, right?
And please remember to pay proper licensing fees before singing “Happy Birthday”©®™ at a birthday party, or the RIAA will have to strip you of your citizenship and send you to Camp X-Ray. As the old axiom says, “from each according to his means, to each according to his clout in Congress.”
I hope that saying is public domain, or I could be in a heap of trouble . . .
From the “To Russia With Love”Department.
In a semi-desperate effort to lower the number of governments that are turning to Linux for their info-tech needs, Microsoft has announced that it will give certain select nations an up-close-and-personal look at the company’s crown jewel: the source code to the Windows operating system. For a stunningly proprietary company like Microsoft to make such an offer is a drastic step. It’s so drastic, in fact, that it actually lends credence to the hordes of hackers who claim that Linux is more than able to take on Microsoft’s industry-dominating wares. And the source code to Windows is incalculably valuable.
Were it to leak, Microsoft’s entire empire would crumble into disarray like a computer infected with yet another Outlook virus.
Fortunately, Microsoft realizes the need for utmost security for its software code, and has chosen to initiate its “shared source” program with a nation whose commitment to protecting intellectual property is matched only by its ability to keep such an important secret: Russia.
You heard correctly: Russia, the folks who lose submarines, nuclear missiles, and anything else that isn’t tied down, is being trusted with the single most valuable software codebase in the entire world. Which, amazingly, isn’t the most ironic entry on this week’s list.
From the “So Ironic It Hurts” Department.
Perhaps someone swapped the Human Rights Commission membership list with the “Rogue Nations Controlled by Evil Dictators” list.
How else can one fathom the United Nations selecting Libya to lead such a committee? Were Kim Jung-Il, Fidel Castro, Saddam Hussein and Slobodan Milosevic too busy to take the job?
From the “Last Train to Jonestown” Department.
Word is that the Raelians, a weird cult that believes that all human life was created by gene-scrambling alien scientists, are refusing to back up their claim that a subsidiary corporation of theirs (I just love religions with subsidiary corporations) has produced the world’s first cloned human infants. It’s enough to make you think they’re lying – but how could that be?
I mean, their dippy new-age leader seems so credible in interviews: Aliens are coming, get ready for the end, take me to your leader, blah blah blah. Can we just skip to the part with the purple sheets and Kool-Aid?
And that wraps up this quick jaunt around the world. Tune in next week for a return to our regularly scheduled ranting on topics political or otherwise here at Don’t Tread on Me. Where if you give us 750 words, we’ll give you the world . . . more or less.
