From the wrong

Yes, folks. I have a new title this week. I needed something asridiculous as the off-beat tangents onto which I venture. I’mnot coming from the right, the left or somewhere in between.I’m so far off that I’m not even on the spectrum.

Accessories, penny stocks and shaft cards — I don’thave a single column topic with any redeeming value. I thought itwas about time I tackled some more serious, more political issues.So here we go. Here are my views on some of the current issues inthe news — Ann Truong style and all in under a minute.

Presidential Elections 2004: Maybe it’s about timewe elected a new president. Like Chris Rock said, “You knowsomething’s wrong with the universe when our nation’sthree most powerful men are named Bush, Dick and Colin.”

Gay marriage: Hey, whatever floats your boat, robs yourcradle; whatever rings your doorbell or rocks your roll.

The Passion of Christ: I saw it over Spring Break. MyBook of Bible Stories and Sunday school never told the story likethat. Suggestion: don’t get popcorn when you see themovie.

The Job Market: I’m just trying to get through mylast three semesters of college. I won’t worry about it untilI graduate. Then I’ll panic.

The Pledge of Allegiance: I went to an Episcopalianschool, where we had to attend chapel every single day, andthey’re complaining about having to say “UnderGod” every morning?

WMD: If a weapon of mass destruction is buried somewherein the desert, and no one is around to find it, does it reallyexist?

The War in Iraq: Vietnam, helloooo?

President George Dubya Bush: (Laughs) That’s tooeasy. We’ll move on.

Abortion: I’m still trying to figure out themechanics of sex. Once I get that straightened out, then I’llworry about other things.

Finding Saddam Hussein: I think finding Nemo was morerewarding.

Martha Stewart: C’mon, Martha. I would’vethought you could create some cute, colorful and clever way withpapier-mâché to cover it up.

Tyco: I never liked any of their toys. Legos — nowthose are quality toys. Don’t mess with Lego. They’llsend an army of Lego men after you.

Kobe Bryant: I’m not a rapist. I just cheat alot.

John Kerry: Can he, Kerry the Democrat, torch past theBushes and all the way to the White House? I’m sorry. Thatwas a bad one.

Okay, I think I’ve just about covered them all. Anymorethan that, and I would’ve clocked in at two minutes.That’s just way too much time to devote to important issues.I’ll go back to discussing stock options next week.

Ann Truong is a columnist for The Daily Campus. She may bereached at [email protected].