“It’s 4 a.m. Where the *bleep* are we gonna eat?”

It usually comes out a little slurred and with the hefty stench of vodka or rum, but we’ve all been there. Nothing sucks more than a long open road home and a full tank on an empty stomach.

In order to keep my fellow Mustangs out of Taco Cabana, Taco Bell or, God forbid, Wendy’s, I’m going to simply take this time to plug a few of my personal favorite hole-in-the-wall diners that are open about as long as Courtney Love.

Greenville Avenue – anyone with a lot of Irish or Native American heritage loves this place. It’s just a long line of pretty decent bars filled with pretty decent people. It’s also the location of Cochita and K. Tokyo 24 Hour Sushi. Both of these places are strategically open on weekends until the most insane times of the morning imaginable.

Cochita is a little Mexican diner run by a little Mexican lady whose name escapes me. The menus are pretty simple and no matter what you get it comes with a heap of maternal affection so genuine you almost feel guilty tipping. Luckily since it’s 3 a.m. on Saturday, you’re really drunk and leaving an extra five on the table seems like ‘no biggie.’

I have no idea what I ate the last time I stumbled into the place. As I mentioned, my crew and I roll pretty hard and I kind of have this thing about drinking water. It doesn’t suit me. So if you’re a Taco Cabana kinda gal or gallerino, go check the place out. It’s just north of La Vista Road and Greenville and just south of Cavern Club.

Best of all, the food comes out really fast and no matter how stupid you are when you order, it’s going to taste pretty good because its as close to homemade as Dallas gets.

Now I’m sure you already have a favorite Mexican restaurant, or you’ve memorized the exact cost including the change for your beef taco and guacamole combo from the Cabana after you drag your sorry ass out of Torch or Zephyrs. So now I’m going to bring up the real badass of this pony show – K. Tokyo.

K. Tokyo is a 24 hour sushi emporium just off of Greenville and Richmond. Like the previous hot spot it turns out food fast. She is from Japan however, so this means there’s a bit more business in her demeanor. Don’t mess around on this woman’s mess unless you got serious balls cause she’ll bite ’em right off.

You can get sushi, sake and soup undone or whatever it’s called. Last time we showed up it was 4 a.m. and there was a basement party going on somewhere in the arts district. So once again, I was kinda out of it. I’ll tell you what I remember.

We got the volcano platter. This is a really awesome idea because she brings out this giant plate of fish and rice and whatever. It’s laid out on the table right in front of you and before you can jam your sticks in it she whips out a blowtorch and just owns the crap out of the sushi.

The volcano dish has probably the most perfect mix of spices I ever tasted. It’s hot, but not hot like that crazy kid at Umphrey Lee likes. It’s more of a bark than a bite, if you know what I mean.

And it goes really well with sake.

About this time some random guy I knew from somewhere showed up and totally plugged his art show at Meridian Room. So go check that out too.

Finally, if you’re up north, might I suggest the Wendy’s at Preston and Forest. Back in high school this is where the football teams went after games, the swim team went after meets, the water polo team drank a bunch of hooch and went to after we totally bombed out at State, and its got a really fantastic selection of beef, patties, fries and ketchup.

I highly recommend the dollar menu. This bad boy can rack up two burgers, fries and a drink for just $4.29, and thanks to some recent menu changes, one of those two sandwiches comes with bacon.

Bacon rules, and if you disagree, then you are wrong.

Another great place to go late at night is Wal-Mart. I’m serious. You can walk in with $15 and walk out with ground beef, buns, bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and a questionable avocado or two and feed about six people. Or you can pick up a bunch of bratwurst, the aforementioned cheese, some Dijon mustard, Wolf Brand Chili, ketchup and relish for a song.

Then you go back to your batcave, fry it all up and eat it because thats just how you gotta roll sometimes.

The best part about the Wal-Mart pit stop besides the price is Gatorade. You can get a three gallon drum of Gatorade for four dollars and that goes really good with whatever godless meat you fried up in your house.

After consuming a phat load of food, the best thing to do is either discuss a bunch of bad philosophy with your friends, sit down and attempt to drunkenly solve the world’s problems, drunk dial your ex and remind her you’re still up for some hot sex, or just go to sleep.

One of these is a lot more productive than the others.

Call me anytime.