Guy Talk

I don’t want to hear another word about diets.

Poor Jared is just sitting around his house one day when thisDr. Atkins guy comes along and takes a dump in his bowl of chili.Now the whole country is jumping on the bandwagon, and it looks tome like the axel is about ready to break.

Did you ever stop to think why people have to diet?

Maybe it is because they can’t stay in their desirableshape. Which means that if diets really worked eventually wewouldn’t need diets because everyone would be thin.

Then along comes the Big Mac to screw up the entire system.

I have never been on diet. For the last seven years I havefeasted on a steady course of fast food, Dr Pepper and Funyuns.

My weight has hovered around 174 pounds since high school, giveor take a few pounds either way. My body isn’t going to makethe ladies scream, but it also won’t make the floorsqueak.

However, some people struggle with weight and some people createtheir own personal struggles. But weight is overrated, so lets putthis chitchat to rest.

My answer is simple. Lets call it the, “BellaverDiet.” No, that is too generic. How about,”Hey-idiot-it-is-simple-to-lose-weight-just-try-this-diet.”

I like it, it flows, and it will work.

Here are the basic steps, so get out a pen and paper.

Step One – Don’t eat.

Brilliant!

I will have a book out in late July that will outline thestudies and complex research I used to reach this formula.

The answer is so simple. If you want to lose 10 pounds,don’t eat for a few days. If you want to lose 20 pounds,maybe a week or two, 30 even longer.

I wouldn’t recommend trying to lose 50 in one attempt.Maybe split it into two sessions and have a bowl of chicken broth aday in between.

This is an ADD moment brought to you buy my extremely wanderingattention span.

Our men’s basketball team lost by 40 points to Rice acouple days back. 40 points!

These guys have the ability to play with some of the best teamsin the country and then they go and let a bunch of Owls knock themall over the hardwood.

On the plus side the men’s team has already recorded morewins this season (8) than the football team has in the last threeyears (7).

Now back to our regularly scheduled article.

I know this may confuse some of you, but just look at the logic.Food makes you fat. So not eating food makes you not fat.

Brilliant!

My diet is so easy to understand it is redunkulous.

Now, I realize some of the snotty naysayers will say this dietis unhealthy and won’t work. I say they are probably overtheir personal desired weight and are just jealous that theydon’t have a diet named after them.

Doctors might tell you that this diet could create eatingdisorders or complex health issues. Tell them it is nothing morethan, “selective calorie intake.” You select not totake in calories.

Then just sit back and wait for the results. Shirts youhaven’t worn since the third grade will all of the sudden fitagain.

Before you know it, you will be the talk of the town. You mightbreak if the wind blows too hard but that is a simple sideeffect.

Look, all diets and drugs and complex medical procedures haveside effects.

For instance, the male enhancement procedure I had performedover break causes my right leg to go numb every 30 minutes. Such asmall price to pay. No pun intended. The only problem I have hadwas during the marathon I ran last month. The doctor says the cutson the right side of my face will heal.

My diet could, and I emphasize the word “could,”create a few minor side effects. I don’t know of any to date,so if you experience any let me know and I will add a secondchapter to my book.

I figure there couldn’t be a better place to start thisnew fad than at good old SMU. Known to many across the country as a”trendy university.” If girls here can wear snow bootsand a skirt in January, developing a diet should be easy.

Think of how stellar the guys will look in their pastel coloredpolo shirt, khaki pants and loafers if they just dropped 50 or 60pounds. Even the guys that only weigh a 140 pounds now will lookslender and sophisticated with a sudden weight loss. Their anklesmight look like chicken wings, but the ladies won’t complain.Why would they? The ladies will look like walking, talking stringsof spaghetti. The men will probably still look overweight in theireyes. Maybe the guys should drop an even 80 pounds to be safe.

Sounds good to me. Everybody stop eating. Beauty is only on theoutside, and people will continue to blab about it until we are allslender and perfect in the eyes of society.

What a freaking joke. Anybody want to meet me at Balls?I’m going there for a burger after class.