Every time a new reality show premieres, a TV critic gets hiswings.

So the genre is campy, constructed and about as divorced fromreality as Roseanne Barr thinking she still has enough mediacredibility to come back to host her own cooking show, but hearingpeople who get paid to watch television for a living piss and moanabout it can get as old as “The Bachelor 7.”

I suspect that some critics have given up and are working from aMad Libs-like template.”These contestants are the <insertderogatory adjective> group of <insert derogatoryadjective> since <insert forced effort at witty pun>. Thisgenre will be the end of American culture, as we knowit.”

American pop culture died a long time ago. Get over it orcelebrate it.

So in a creative exercise, I set out to try to fill in a Mad Libof my own. As one of the most canned and stolid reality shows ontelevision, “The Real World” probably deserves it.

It’s the Real World, yo

Touted as the “first and original” reality show, the”Real World” is entering its 14th season on the air andseems to have become a parody of itself. This time they’veflown in seven 20-somethings (all various degrees of annoying) anddecided to inflict them on San Diego.

This time around we’ve got Big Brad from Chicago, who, inthe season premiere, was able to wait a whole half hour beforebragging about his penis size. <insert meathead slur here>He’s “eight inches stacked,” whatever that means.In the first episode, he calls up his girlfriend back home to askher to describe <insert penis euphemism> to his gigglingfemale roommate. After she reluctantly admits that it’s eightinches (indicating that they’ve probably had thisconversation before), he tries to prod her to tell what kind ofeight inches. Umm … who does this?

There’s blonde 19-year-old Cameran from South Carolina.She only likes southern gentleman, but within seconds she’splotting to woo Big Brad. She may be the most interesting characterin a world of shallow stereotypes this season.

Within moments of another roommate telling her that she thinksBrad likes her, she lets a surprised look play over her face, butthe camera catches her look of deadpan self-assurance as shemutters, “Interesting.” <insert man-eater commenthere> She apparently has read the Southern Belle’sHandbook on Matters of Courting and Wooing.

There’s the token black roommate, Jacquese. In a scenefrom the season’s second episode, his mother (who could havea burgeoning career as a reality television talent agent) advisesher son not to become angry after a fellow (read: white) housematedoesn’t understand why her using the word”nigger” offends him. Blow up, she counsels, andyou’ll just be portrayed as the angry black man.

Which in “Real World”-speak means that you’llblend in with all the other angry black men created by Mary-EllisBunim and Jonathan Murray in 14 seasons.

And then who’ll remember to invite you back for theendless Real World / Road Rules challenges?

Oh, then there’s Robin. I guess I really can’t go onwithout making the obligatory comment to her enormous breasts. Theylook too cock-eyed to be fake, but judging from her bland andunaccomplished life, I think this may be the primary reason she wascast.

She’s been relying on those knockers all her life, though.She’s a bartender at Coyote Ugly — a cliché barchain made from clichéd movies. She gets paid to throwparties, she says during the premiere. Is that what you tellyourself at night? Robin, sweetie, you get paid to dance on a barand let men leer at your chest. Also, she seems to be thehouse’s closet racist.

From Boston, we’ve got Randy the “ahhhtist,”and he’s got the shaggy hair and five o’clock shadow toprove it. <insert more witty turns on Boston accents> He saysmost people in his day job would be very surprised to knowhe’s an art student. Perhaps he should get used to it. Givehim five years and he’ll be sitting next to the water coolerwith a former English major, trying to convince himself thathe’s an “ahhhtist” and not a soulless corporatedrone.

Chronically ill Frankie, the punk rock poster girl with theManic Panic dye job, seems to be this season’s charity case.She’s got cystic fibrosis. <insert joke about roommatesnot knowing how to spell name of chronic disease> In pastseasons we’ve had the innocent virgins who’ve neverlived anywhere other than home, the gay man who’s coming toterms with his homosexuality, and who could forget the Mormon. Oh,the Mormon! <insert tragic head gesture here>

This season, Bunim and Murray seem intent on educating us all onthis very important disease. Sorry, Frankie, you’re no Pedro.And what’s with the velvet bathing suit?

Oh, yeah, and there’s apparently an Asian girl. I thinkthey flashed her image across the screen a few times in the firstfew episodes. But Jamie seems about as smart as Jacquese’smother in managing her MTV image. Play the race card –constantly. Hey, you’ll probably be played off as acliché, but at least it will take screen time to establishyou as such.

Life for the 20-year-old set is already too much of acliché without the folks at MTV pointing it out. <insertexpletive here> it, I’m going to watch anyway.