Alcohol is a part of college

“Oh, you hate school? Why didn’t you say so?There’s a support group for that. It’s calledEVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” Man, I love DrewCarey.

The system is flawed, and I’ll tell you where they wentwrong — when people started believing in the importance of aneducation. It’s overrated. College would be perfect if itwasn’t for the school aspect of it. Take away the academics,and what you’ve got is one big party over the span of fouryears. Superb!

When you stop to think about the multitude of pressures that areforced upon us in college, it’s obvious why we becomealcoholics. The homework, the tests, the quizzes, the papers, thestudying, the cramming, the reading, the writing and theall-nighters.

By the end of each week, we’re begging to unlearneverything that we learned that week with the help of ProfessorJack Daniels. All the non-trust funded students who have to paytheir own way through college put in at least 20 hours of work eachweek. Athletes must practice, workout and compete on top ofthat.

Factor in the social realm — Greek life, parties, DeepEllum, parties, Lower Greenville, parties, that rite of passageknown as “turning 21,” oh, and the parties — andyou’ve got yourself one screwed up product of the Americanhigher education system.

With five classes and two labs for a total of 17 hours thissemester, I’ve been giving some thought to gettingreacquainted with my old friend and teaching assistant, AlCohol.

Alcohol sure made school more fun back in the day. It’s abad sign when alcohol becomes a sort of math tutor. It sure madedoing calculus easier and more fun.

Try solving complex integrals with a buzz. After a while, theintegrals start to solve themselves. Or try looking at a bunch ofnumbers the next time you’ve had a steady buzz flowing.Numbers have never been more exciting as they float about on thepage. Alcohol- it’s what separates the math student from themathematician.

Alcohol made reading more fun, too. I mean, after you’vehad a couple, Shakespeare starts to make sense. Philosophers startto make sense. It’s great when you start coming up with yourown philosophical thoughts and think you’ve figured out themeaning of life and some other trippy stuff.

I think alcohol would make those Tuesday/Thursdayhour-and-20-minute classes more bearable to sit through.

You see, my professors like to tell the worst jokes ever, so Ithink alcohol would surely make the jokes funnier, and I’d bemore willing to laugh.

It would certainly make those three-hour evening classes lesspainstaking.

Happy hour is from five to six, and you’ve got just enoughtime to get to that 6:30 class. Perfect.

How convenient that one of my classes last semester ended at4:50, just in time for happy hour to begin. To get out that late ona Friday was almost a sin, but to be followed by happy hour was ablessing.

What if, instead of refreshments at meetings, they servedalcohol? I grant you, nothing would ever get accomplished, but hey,free alcohol. I don’t think I would hear anyone complaining.Isn’t that an unspoken rule? That you should never complainso long as there is free alcohol?

With five semesters behind me, I’ve learned a few things,and I have come to draw the following conclusion:

Ann’s Theory on the College Cycle

1. Study hard.

2. Party harder.

3. Get drunk.

4. Get some.

5. Get a bad hangover.

6. Get up and go to class.

The process repeats, because it is, in fact, a self-perpetuatingcycle.

Ann Truong is a columnist for The Daily Campus. She maybe reached at [email protected].