Happy Birthday to me

Go shorty, it’s my birthday. Gonna party cuz it’sreally my birthday. Gonna sip Bacardi because it’s mybirthday (actually I will probably be sippin’ on Natty Lightor some cheap Vodka, but that doesn’t rhyme). No, really.Today is the day. The big deuce-deuce. Mona Lindgren, Ronald Reaganand I all popped out on the same day. The years might have been alittle different but no biggie.

Ironic that on a day when the word happy is used so often I willactually be feeling a little down in the dumps. I can alreadydrive, see R-rated movies, buy smokes and purchase beer. What elseis there to live for? The next major bonus doesn’t come untilthe wrinkles take over your body. Even then you only get hooked upat like bingo night, the bowling alley and the occasional closeparking place.

So I have decided the only alternative is to get redunkulouslydrunk. I know, I know. What a typical college guy answer. Wrongo,Bongo. This guy never touches the bottle.

Well, legally my friends allow me to say I drink in extrememoderation. Not the amount of liquor, just the amount of times.According to my calculations, this will be No. 15. That is in mylife, I know guys that can cover that number in a week. For somethat would be a slow week.

There are only two people in the world cooler than the guy thatinvented getting drunk. His college roommate, the guy that inventedthe beer goggles; and his cousin, the guy that invented thoselittle foam pills that you throw in the bathtub and they magicallyexpand into dinosaurs. I realize you might argue that a woman couldhave invented any of these, but logic says differently. Women takebaths to relax and get clean. Guys take a bath to watch the bubblesfloat to the top when they let one rip. Women don’t need beergoggles — they control the situation. Guys need beer gogglesto create an excuse. So three cheers to the three men who make theworld go round.

This is how most of my drinking nights seem to shape out. Eachtime, I manage to drink a decent amount of alcohol in a shortperiod of time, donate some of the evening’s dinner to theporcelain god, and then call it a night before two in themorning.

Why you ask? The answer is simple. Beer taste like crap. I knowwhat you are thinking. Beer is an acquired taste. Sure. So islicking a hamster’s ass. But you don’t see me runningout to pet stores three times a week trying to build atolerance.

So I chug, then I chug a little more. Then I chug one finaltime. By then I will probably just drink whatever is closest to myleft hand. My right hand is usually busy trying to make a waterbuffalo shadow puppet on the wall.

On this joyous day I plan on getting so stupid drunk I will beusing Natty Light as shampoo by the end of the evening. I will beso ridiculously wasted I won’t even remember Feb. 6, 2004.Heck I’m going to be so on-the-floor drunk, I won’teven remember the day before my birthday. I mean that is why peopleget drunk, right?

I see no other alternative. I remember when birthdays used to behuge. I remember the new Nintendo games and G.I. Joe figures. Iremember the new Sambas and Umbro shorts. I remember the DairyQueen ice cream cakes that always melted before everybody got apiece. Hey, what happened to the money? I remember aunt’sthat live in Delaware coming out of the woodwork to pitch in 20bucks. Now what? No cool presents, maybe a card, an e-mail orpossibly a phone call.

So it looks to me like booze is the obvious answer. Not becauseI like it. Not because I will feel any cooler the next day.Actually I will probably feel like a couple of elephants aredancing on my head. I’m going to drink for you, the studentsof SMU. The only request I receive more than showering on a dailybasis is a request to get drunk. I’m not kidding. I havefriends who don’t believe their college experience will befulfilled until they see me inebriated. Open the hatch — thisone is for you.

For those of you that don’t see me out I will definitelybe attending late night munchie fest at Roly Poly. That is ofcourse banking on the fact that I make it from start to finish. Mystats are a cold 0 for 14 when it comes to getting wasted andclosing out the evening. So I have my worked stacked in front ofme.

I want you all to know that while I will be drinking on thisspecial day, I will be doing it responsibly. I have no plans tocause trouble or lose control of the evening. I’m not a bigfan of drinking and never will be.

However, for those of you that do consume choice beverages on aregular basis, I ask you this — please be responsible,respectable and courteous to those around you and enjoy the timewhile it lasts.

Before I head off to the land of the old people, I want to leaveyou with a simple statement. Every 60 seconds you spend worryingabout tomorrow or dwelling on yesterday is a minute you wastedliving today.