Over the hill — and soon to be under

Yesterday was my birthday

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

The Apocalypse.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the end of the world is coming soon and to a town near you. Sneak previews have already been held in Moscow, Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea, Virginia, California and the Gulf of Mexico: rebel fighters, crazy men with nuclear arms, other crazy men with automatics, a bird virus and a hurricane. Not only is the human race trying to destroy itself, but Mother Nature is helping out, too.

I’m really not sure how I wake up in the morning anymore. The world has reached such a pitiful moment in its long history of pitiful moments. Going to the movies and watching some shoot-em-up, bang-em-up Schwarzenegger thriller has become a pick-me-up, something to put a smile on your face. Nothing, not even Crossroads, could compare with the unrelenting horror one sees on the news every day.

Humanity seems to be pulling out its best cards right now: psychological warfare with snipers, nuclear weapons, terrorism, power hungry politicians, hostages, land disputes and civil wars.

And I know what some of you are thinking: Oh God, there he goes again. Mr. Idealist, Mr. “I want to save the world,” Mr. “Why can’t people just get along?” Here’s another boring article from that really negative guy. Jesus, go have a beer or something.

Friends, it would take several thousand beers, an eight ball and about 10, 000 mg of Zoloft to fix this.

I’ll be honest with you, I’m actually becoming scared. I know that we all desensitize ourselves. I know that somehow, some way we push all the terrible things, all the suicide bombers and AIDS ridden children out of our minds so that we can drive to school in the morning without steering ourselves into a head-on collision. I know that this is the only way to make it through the day – not to think about it, or, better yet, to act like it’s not really happening.

But I’m not sure if that’s going to work anymore. I’m not sure if I can continue tricking myself into ignorance. I really want to do something; I want us to do something. But what? What can we do? Can we do anything? Is it all over?

I don’t know.

All the problems in the world seem to come down to one of three different situations. The first situation is the we’re-just-fighting-because-we’ve-always-been-fighting scenario. Take Israel and Palestine, for example. This stuff has been going on for millennia. Go read the Old Testament (Tenakh, Hebrew Bible, what have you) and you’ll see how the Palestinians (who were the Philistines before being conquered by the Babylonians in 570 B.C.E., I think) and the Israelites have been disputing over who gets what since the beginning of time. That’s if you are a literalist, of course.

And we must not forget about Egypt, which has been in the thick of it all since the beginning. I remember reading an article on Sept. 13 of last year in which Egypt blamed Israel not only for the Sept. 11 attacks, but for all the problems in the world – literally (I still have the article if you want to see it). If the United States or the European Union or the United Nations thinks that they’re going to straighten up everything over there, they’re fooling themselves.

The second of the two situations is the mine’s-bigger-than-yours scenario. At the head (pun intended) of this geo-political penis complex is the United States, unfortunately. The new Rome will sooner or later be the old Rome. Believe it or not, the United States will not always be the most glorious and privileged land on the planet. With the now rapid construction of the European Union, who knows what side of the Atlantic will be calling the shots in the next 50 years?

Don’t get me wrong, the power shift scares the hell out of me. But we must all be aware of reality. Right now, in Iraq, in North Korea, in Africa, in Central America, we are seeing that the United States does not have the control that it once believed itself to possess. When we handed over the guns to control Communism, we may have handed over a bit more than intended.

Finally, the third situation is the human-beings-are-crazy-and-right-now-there-are-too-many-of-us scenario. Human beings are crazy. We are. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Get on the Internet and read about overpopulation theory. Fun stuff. War, natural disasters, famine, genocide, etc. have all been ways that population has been controlled over the years. Unfortunately, the human race is at the height of its population; therefore, the most drastic measures of population control must, eventually, be employed.

So, on your next birthday, when it’s time to make a wish and blow out the candles, wish to become a cockroach, because that’s the only to survive a nuclear holocaust. Or, better yet, read the newspapers and re-sensitize yourself.