The Husband Beater

Long have the days passed of sweaty men working in the yard wearing their white tank tops. Say goodbye to the fictional image of the drunken husband beating is wife in the trailer park. No longer are “wife beaters” worn under buttoned shirts. Oh, except on Thursday nights on “The O.C.” when Ryan runs into a room breathless with his white tank showing gloriously.

Besides that last example, “husband beaters” are now a staple in every girl’s closet, especially at SMU. We promote that image of an abusive drunk to class and to the bar. We wear them to bed. We wear them out to dinner. We even wear them on a train. Oh, that’s Dr. Seuss.

Ever since the first girl wore her boyfriend’s white tank to bed and throughout the following day, these have become more popular than skipping class on a rainy day. And why shouldn’t they? When Target and Wal-Mart sell the simple ribbed tanks for a small penny, it’s easy to stock up and pair them with anything.

The only problem now is deciding which brand and size are right for you.

My personal favorite is Hanes’ tag less white tanks. Although they appear wide in the armpit area (there is just no way to gracefully say that) when first pulled out of the bag, as soon as you throw those in the wash they’ll fit better than a cowboy in his Wranglers. The tag less is great because it can be really itchy on the back of your neck and stick out like a little kid.

I also like Hanes’ premium tanks because the straps are a little wider so other straps worn under (a.k.a. your bra) aren’t seen so plainly. They’re also a little thicker so you don’t necessarily have to double up. I also like the premium tanks because they’re a little longer, making a great statement when paired with a big belt.

Many people are fans of Fruit of the Loom, although their tanks tend to be so long, they can also double as a dress. Not so cute. The armpits (there is it again) also buckle in the front, creating a little peephole to your bra. Again, not cute.

Many designers have taken this look of the husband beaters to an extreme, making their own rendition of the simple look with softer jersey knits with built-in-bras. Obviously, these are not as popular with guys.

Although both Hanes and the Fruit make the tanks in gray, black, blue and a maroon, they don’t quite pop as well as the other designer’s renditions of the tanks in pink, purple, various blues, and of course black and white.

The amusing part is these designers are selling the tanks for a pretty penny — sometimes as high as $100 a pop. You could buy a lifetime supply of Hanes beaters for that much. Although at the rate these tanks mysteriously vanish like socks between the washer and dryer, $100 may only last a few months.

Besides them disappearing into the holes of the washer, there doesn’t seem to be much wrong with the beaters. You really can wear them with anything. In fact, they seem to be my answer for every fashion dilemma. As I was trying to pack for Spring Break (Bradenton or bust!), I was pulling skirt after skirt out of my closet. My friend Lauren kept asking what I was going to wear with all of them, considering most still had the tags attached. (This tends to be a serious problem for me, buying items on whim because they’re on sale even though I have nothing to wear with them.)

“Oh, a beater,” I said.

“What about this one?” she asked, holding up another skirt purchased in August that still had the tags attached. “A beater?”

And why not? The cheap tanks go with anything. Whether paired with a skirt (sans tags), with jeans and big earrings, under a blazer, as a bathing suit cover-up, or dressing down black pants, these little numbers are the perfect solution to any problem. (Except that one about getting a job after graduation…someone told me the tanks don’t solve those kinds of problems.)

In fact, with frequent sales at Target and Wal-Mart and the “get one free!” deal for the five pack, why shouldn’t they be worn with everything? Just try to avoid growing a beer-belly and abusing your wife in the trailer park lot, OK? I can’t be held responsible if you do.