Well, with the ever-growing popularity of women’s self-help books such as He’s Just Not That Into You, we’ve decided to take it upon ourselves to come up with a self-help guide for all those guys who live in a delusional world where he searches for “the one.” Guys, it’s time you just realized that … She’s Just A Bitch.
Let’s face it, most guys are after one thing … Love. Okay, that’s not true,some of us want sex too. And as long as their is an illusion of the possibility of getting laid, there will always be some sucker out there who will do anything to appease a girl, regardless of how she treats him. But guys, we need to wake up and realize situations in which the girl is just using us. We need to expose her for the who she is, and not take it anymore. Realize, that “perfect” girl might just be a bitch.
1. If She Does Not Want To Date You After You’ve Gone To Her Place At 2 a.m. To Take Care Of Some Problem … She’s Just A Bitch
It’s true that a guy will do anything if a pretty girl asks him to. He just likes the fact that the girl validated his existence. Girls know this and use it to their advantage.
The Types Of Pretty Girls:
1. Pretty and they know it, so they think the world owes them something (Often girls who come from families with money, or they are an only child).
2. Pretty and they know it, but choose to act modest (In extreme cases, they tend to say they are fat or ugly in order to look modest, but end up being showered in compliments to boost their ego).
3. Ugly, but think they think they’re Type 1 (Sorry Type 3 girls).
Now many guys envision the non-existent Type 4 Pretty Girl.:
4. Pretty and they don’t know it, and are incredibly modest (This could happen, but Modern Science has come only so far, and even in Weird Science they couldn’t create the “perfect woman”).
Sorry guys, in this world, you’re lucky if you can find a Type 2 Pretty Girl.
So if a pretty girl calls a guy up at 2 a.m. and says, “I just saw the biggest cockroach in my kitchen”, what is he supposed to do? Well, the only thing going on in my head is: “As long as he’s staying away from the cereal, let the cockroach do whatever he wants”. But since it’s a pretty girl, I fold and go over and spray for bugs. Now I am endangering myself by spraying toxic chemicals in her house. Plus, I have to pick up the dead bugs when the toxic cloud has cleared out of the kitchen. One would figure that this would warrant some kind of compensation. Maybe even a “Thank you”. But no, all she does is say, “God, it smells awful in here. Couldn’t you have brought some like, air freshener or something?” Well my friend … get over her because… She’s Just A Bitch.
2. If She Accepts A Tiffany’s Necklace From You And Introduces You To Her Boyfriend Two Days Later … She’s Just A Bitch
Well, jewelry is the key to any girl’s heart. And what girl doesn’t love Tiffany’s. Ask any girl what their favorite store is and they’ll say, “Tiffany’s”. The poor girls will even say, “Tiffany’s… although, I’ve never been there.” So here’s a temporary moment of insanity: Let’s buy a girl a Tiffany’s necklace and give it to her. Then maybe she’ll go out with me. WRONG. Girls feel that the present liability falls on your end. It’s your fault for not knowing she had a boyfriend, so it’s not her responsibility to tell you. She’ll just take her necklace and be happy that someone gave her something. Maybe she’ll even use it as leverage with her boyfriend to up the jealousy factor. Which really sucks when you get beaten up by her jealous boyfriend.
Guys, never buy a gift, especially an expensive gift, with the intent of scoring a date. You could smother the girl in dozens of roses to get that one date, but in the end, that date is going to be riddled with awkwardness, assuming the girl is even single. Do your research first, or you’ll seem quite the fool. If you are going after a girl by flashing cash, she’s probably a Type 1 Pretty Girl, and you need to move on (unless you own a brand new Cadillac Escalade, and your dad is giving you his company upon college graduation; but then, you aren’t the type of guy who this applies to). If that’s all she’s looking for, you’re never going to end up feeling good about things, you’ll find out that … She’s Just A Bitch.
3. If She’d Rather Take A Gay Guy To A Dance Than You … She’s Just A Bitch
A sorority’s formal/crush party/victory is a pretty big deal to a girl. And it’s also an excellent chance for you to get a fancy date with her without getting an actual date. All you have to do is strategically lay hints that you are the one she should be taking to her event. But what the hell does it mean when she takes a gay guy instead of you? Well, at least he won’t be doing anything with her, so you don’t need to worry about him as competition. But still. Sure, she might try and defend it:
“Well, with gay guys, you don’t have to worry about them trying to make a move on you. Not that I’m saying I’d have to worry about it with you.”
What? I can be a perv if I want. I am totally capable of groping a girl in public. I just have enough class not to do it.
It’s a strange phenomenon, however, when you are the straight friend who is non-threatening. Sometimes you get lumped into a situation where you are the girl’s date for everything, assuming she hasn’t found a boyfriend. You are her “brother” figure. In her eyes you have no penis, just Ken Doll syndrome. You go to all her functions, and ogle her and all her sorority sisters, but go home alone, because she found someone else to hook up with at the party. Good thing you were there to keep her from looking like a loser, and thank God you rode the bus to the party, cause she’s already left. Riding the bus home you think:
“Dammit, she’s never going to notice me. Well, next time I’m not going to her party with her, she can just find someone else …”
Inevitably, the next party rolls around, and you are asked. Of course you oblige thinking this time will be different. But it won’t be. You just need to wake up and see … She’s Just A Bitch.
4. If The Entire Sorority House Knows You As Her Personal Bill Gates … She’s Just A Bitch
“Who’s Bill Gates?”
“He’s like the guy who, you know, invented the computer. Duh.”
I cannot count the number of times the following phone conversation has occurred:
Girl: Lindy’s acting up! I don’t know what I’m going to do with her anymore! I’m just going to kill her!
J: Who is Lindy?
Girl: My computer! Come fix it.
So a guy thinks if he can impress a girl with his computer savvy, he’s going to get a date. WRONG. It was true in the 80s, it’s true now. Girls think guys who are good with computers are nerds. They don’t want to date them. They just want them to fix the virus that was downloaded when her boyfriend was looking up porn on her computer. Don’t believe me? Go ahead, try asking her out on a date after you’ve showed her a new way to download MP3s without getting caught. She’ll say: “I’m sorry, I have class that night.” “No, we’re doing sorority stuff.” Or my favorite: “My grandfather’s supposed to die that night.”
5. If She Calls You Up After This Is Published And Acts Like Nothing In The Previous Sections Ever Happened &
#8230; She’s Just A Bitch
When you accuse a girl of something bad, she’ll deny it immediately. Only a girl can accuse herself of being wrong. So when she calls and says, “Hey, wanna take me to the mall so I can go buy a disposable skirt?” and you say, “Yeah, no. Didn’t you read that thing about how girls are bitches?” “Oh, yeah, I skimmed through that. It was amusing. Okay, pick me up in an hour.” CLICK. It’s torture, but you won’t say ‘no.’ You’ll get in your car, pick her up and think … “Maybe this is the day she’ll go out with me. Or sleep with me.” Nope, but she will let you pay for that skirt, cause whoops, she forgot her purse. Wise up fellas! She’s Just A Bitch!
