Easy Mac and Alcohol
Taken from Tales of a First-Year Nothing, a journal from my freshman year.
28 January 2002
Last Friday, my neighbor came back from a party completely obliterated. Around 4 a.m. there was a knock on our door. I opened the door, and she came in, dropped a package of Easy Mac on the floor, walked past me and headed straight for my bed as if it were her own, cuddled up and passed out for the rest of the morning. I woke up my roommate and asked her if she knew why this girl was in my bed, and still very asleep, she asked me why the hell I was asking her. “I dunno,” I replied, “I thought you would know.” I was so confused.
We tried really hard to figure out what was going on, but it was 4 A.M., and we were still half asleep. Thinking tends to be very challenging at that hour. After laughing about it for a while, my roommate and I decided to investigate a little. We went down the hall to find a box of oatmeal, a milk carton and another package of Easy Mac on the floor by the water fountain. There was a trail of cheese leading to our room, where the next package of Easy Mac was found. Further down the hall, in the lounge, there was powdered cheese everywhere. What’s funny is there was a huge pile of it on the floor with a perfect imprint of her foot in the middle. There was a flashlight rolling around next to the cheese. I swear it looked like a crime scene. We took pictures to document it all for future references to this story.
When my neighbor finally woke up later that morning, she flipped out because she couldn’t figure out why she was in my bed. At least she was in good hands. Better my bed than the corner of Airline and Binkley.
When I made my bed, I found powdered cheese everywhere. As much as I brushed off my sheets, I still felt cheese granules when I went to bed later that night. You know how sand gets everywhere? Powdered cheese has that same effect.
We couldn’t figure out how she managed to get into her room if she had lost her keys. It’s possible that she was coherent enough to get the RA to unlock her door but not enough to distinguish between my room and hers. However, she did manage to dress herself for bed and even take care of her drunken munchies with Easy Mac.
She couldn’t stop apologizing for about a week, but we assured her that all was good.
With everything that has unfolded within the past few weeks, I have picked up on a few things. What have I learned about drinking?
1. It’s no fun talking to people you already know when you’re trashed. You’ve got to talk to strangers. After all, first impressions are everything. Chances are, you won’t see them again, but if you do, adopt the wise words of Pat Green: “And if we get a little crazy, blame it on the alcohol.”
2. Drink enough to feel confident enough to flirt. Anymore than that is pointless.
3. The worst thing you can do is push the Call Mom speed-dial on your cell phone. She’ll want to know where you are, what you’re doing. When she figures out something shady is going on, she’ll start yelling. And the next worst thing you can do is say to her, “Homie, why you trippin’?”
4. Tequila shots: as Ralph Wiggum says, “It tastes like… burning.”
5. I don’t care how coordinated you may think you are making Easy Mac is bound to be a failure when you’re plastered like a dry wall.
