The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

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Morgan Shiver, Contributor • June 20, 2024
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New class to save 600,000 grades

There’s an exciting new class being offered by the political science department.
It’s part of President Turner’s “SMU Recovery and Reinvestment Act,” which was designed to get sluggish students back on track, and it’s the easiest class ever.
 

You have to write four essays, but it’s not so bad. You can turn in papers you had to write for different classes, no matter the subject. That way, the department can take credit for work you were going to do anyway. It can hold up its rigorous standards and say, “Our students wrote four whole papers and they couldn’t have done it without us!”
 

Attendance is also mandatory. But the professor isn’t too strict about when or what you attend, so long as you show up to something. If you’re on campus at all on Tuesday/Thursday, that’s good enough.
 

Grades aren’t too big a deal either. The class is scored on a 100-point scale, but you don’t have to get them all in one place. If you’re taking 18 hours and you got a 20% in your other five classes, congratulations: You earned an A++. You should be very proud.
 

Space is limited, but if you don’t get in this semester, take heart. Due to the class’s overwhelming success (projected and adjusted for real 2010 numbers), the department is adding a second, even bigger one. I know, I know, the class hasn’t even happened yet, but it just has to be great, doesn’t it? Even if it’s not, so long as we keep telling people it’s awesome, it’s sure to be a hit.
 

And don’t listen to any of those so-called experts who say that just because everyone gets an A doesn’t mean anyone learns anything. Those people might have Ph Ds in education, but that doesn’t mean they actually know what they’re talking about. They just use impressive-sounding theories, charts, and overwhelming statistics to make you think they do. But those who say you can’t get an education while doing jack squat to earn it are just bringing us down. The truth is, you can have it all without ever leaving your Xbox. Besides, I’m not about to put my lot in with educators.
 

The more cynical of you out there may be getting suspicious. This is too good to be true, right?
 

Tut, tut, ye of little faith. This is a win-win for all involved. You get three credit hours and the school gets to say it’s educating the smartest, most successful student body in the country. Anyone who doubts that claim should look again at all those perfect transcripts.
 

Because if you can’t believe the school’s self-generated numbers, who can you trust?
 

I’m sorry, I almost forgot: You need to know the class’s name to sign up. It’s PLSC 101, taught by visiting professor Peter Orszag. It meets the creative accounting co-requirement and is called “The President Saved 600,000 Grades This Semester.”


Nathaniel French is a junior theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
 

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