As I was lying in bed this Wednesday, dreaming of the long and hard day ahead of me, I was suddenly awoken by someone (or something) screaming at me: “EMERGENCY! GET OUT NOW! LEAVE THE BUILDING NOW!” It seemed to repeat itself over and over. As I rolled over, I saw that a corner in my room had a light that was blinking like a strobe light. The first thing that went through my mind was, “I don’t have a strobe light.” My roommate didn’t have a strobe light either. Something was definitely wrong.

The second thought that crossed my mind was, “I should probably get out of bed,” which I soon did after this thought process occurred. First, clothes. If I was going to make the news, I should get dressed. I jumped into my trousers (or in this case, green gym shorts laying on the floor of my dorm) and bolted for the door. “KEYS!” I screamed out loud. I grabbed my keys and wallet when another thought crossed my mind: if this is a fire situation, my room could possibly burn down. I keep most of my valuables in a supposedly fire protective safe, but at 6 a.m. I wasn’t satisfied.

I grabbed a picture that my family took together a few years ago, along with a picture of the cast and crew of “Total Recall” that I like to keep around with me at all times to remind me how my life could be. At this point, I was completely flustered. I kept wondering if I should bring my precious MacBook Pro, or my XBOX 360, or even wake up my roommate and let him know that we’re about to die. I then noticed my roommate wasn’t even in his bed. I had forgotten he was spending the night somewhere else, and quickly decided that spending the night somewhere else seemed like the best idea ever. Man was he smart.

After exiting my room, I was greeted by a police officer. “You don’t need those”, he told me, with almost a slight smile on his face. “It’s just a drill.”

I was furious. I thought my life was in danger. I walked back to my room, placed the photo of my family and the “Total Recall” picture on my bed and walked back outside. I did not make eye contact with the police officer this time.

As I made my way to the grassy knoll area between my dorm and the dorm, I noticed the look on many other’s faces matched mine: why are they doing this to us?

I could hear the voice from the alarm echoing in the distance. Who records these voices? Well, I did my research and got a fake interview with the man who voices this alarm: Mr. Aaron Schwartz.

John Paul Green: Mr. Schwartz, thank you so much for joining me today.

Aaron Schwartz : Not a problem, John. Please, call me Aaron.

JPG: All right, Aaron. Now what are some of your favorite roles?

AS: I really enjoyed doing the Brinks Home Security Alarm System voice. I had a lot of fun with that. I got to work with Joe Collins. Are you familiar with Joe Collins?

JPG: I’m afraid to say I’m not familiar.

AS: Are you kidding? He’s a legend! Remember the “Beef; it’s what for dinner” commercials?

JPG: Oh yes! He did the voice for that?

AS: No no. He was the understudy to that but never got to actually do it. But you know…

JPG: I see. Well, what was your first acting gig?

AS: Well in 5th grade, I played King Lear in my elementary school’s production of William Shakespeare’s “King Lear.” Afterwards, an estranged aunt was visiting town and saw the production and told me I should consider voice acting.

JPG: Now are you a voice actor? Is that your proper title?

AS: Well I don’t have a certain title. The union doesn’t recognize Alarm System Voice Actors.

JPG: I’m sorry to hear that. Well Aaron, thank you for your time. Is there anywhere our readers can sample your other work?

AS: Actually, I’ll be starting a production of “Steel Magnolias”, but with a slight twist: it’s an all male cast. We’ll be starting that in Omaha soon and we hope for an extended run.

JPG: Aaron Schwartz, thank you so much.

AS: Thank you, John.

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].