Something to Drink to

Ever since the creation of the human race, gender equality hasfound itself a niche as a constant source of ongoing debate.

Although an estimated high number of men have most likely put insome unknown amount of time into closing the gender gap, women havepredominately been the sex vying for a more egalitariansociety.

To name a few of the most famous incidents that define oursociety’s current state of male-female relationships: Adamand Eve’s banishment from Eden; Anita Hill and ClarenceThomas’ scuffle over proper discussion topics; and someinsignificant little ditty passed Aug. 26, 1920 entitled thenineteenth amendment.

But it wasn’t until recently that I realized thewomen-led, ulterior, tactful attack that’s currently underwayin American society.

Relaxed in my local salon, having my cuticles perfected and mysplit-ends treated, I encountered a startling article whileperusing the latest issue of Cosmopolitan.

After brushing up on 10,000 more ways to please my man, I wasaghast when I discovered the entire metrosexual trend is actually aglobal conspiracy by women to assume the alpha-sex position of thehuman race.

I didn’t sprint out of the salon instantaneously —after all, Keith is the most talented nail-painting artist in allof Dallas, no matter what those silly MTV commercials may assert. Imean, it took me, like, uh, three weeks on the waiting list tofinally snag an appointment with the master of the manicure.

But after returning to my town-home, exfoliating and swappingsome Eskimo kisses with my Persian kitty-cat Josey — I namedher after that movie with Tara Reid, because it’s myfavorite, even more so than The Father of the Bride —I researched the Internet for articles pertaining to women’sattempt at the feminization of men on my pink Apple computerthat’s picturesque of Elle Woods’ in LegallyBlonde.

Although it took me a while to find the articles I neededbecause the black hole that is thefacebook.com distracted mefor a few hours, my discoveries were nothing less than shocking— even more so than the exorbitant amount of calories in aregular Luna bar.

According to the Mack Mayo Center for the In-Depth Investigationof the Sexes, the metrosexuality trend wasn’t prompted bymen’s sudden fascination with Lycra, Urban Outfitter storesor tweezers, but by one unknown, conniving female villain, whoinvented a magical, metrosexy potion called “BlackBetty” decades ago during the sexual revolution.

This potion, which now comprises the active ingredient inmen’s hair gels, such as Bed Head, got2b and a wideassortment of mousses, powerfully reacts when it comes into contactwith certain amounts of testosterone.

Because men’s testosterone levels obviously exceed that ofwomen, only males are susceptible to “Black Betty.”When men are coerced — or more likely, influenced by theirmanipulative female counterparts — into using hair products,such as the aforementioned, the testosterone and “BlackBetty” bond to form a viral strain, which causesmetrosexuality, also known as “The Mark McGrathSyndrome” (MMS).

The report also revealed that once men have caught MMS, theyhave a tendency to drop the enjoyment of their sex’s onceslovenly and masculine nature. With MMS, men are likely to becomeextremely self-conscious, fashion sensitive and addicted toshopping alongside women and even fellow men.

That’s right, thanks to “Black Betty,”masculine men are dropping like flies. Women who once touted men asthe safeguard of chivalry have found themselves cast into a worldwhere they open doors for men with more creatively styled hair thantheir own.

With MMS becoming more and more prominent with every gob of hairgel men carelessly glide into their topsy-turvy quaffs, even theentertainment industry has been infiltrated, knocking hundreds ofwell-known actors, comedians and singers off the radar.

For instance, I remember back to a different world. A world inwhich I tuned into “Saturday Night Live” every weekendto rub my scruffy belly in a fit of endless laughter while watchingJimmy Fallon and Tina Fey co-anchor the fake news segment”Weekend Update.”

Slowly, yet surely, a trend emerged between the duo in whichFey, SNL’s head-writer, became the intelligent one and Fallonbecame the cute sidekick — with excellently gelled hair, Imight add. He may look like he just rolled out of bed, butdon’t be fooled, little ones.

And now, according to azcentral.com, “For the firsttime since 1998, Fallon is no longer a part of the venerablelate-night comedy, where he spent more than half his adult life asan innovative sketch artist, crack impersonator and slightly snarkyco-host of SNL’s ‘Weekend Update.'”

I love Jimmy Fallon, but it must be said. Regardless of hisboyishly charming humor, as his metrosexual tendencies increasedexponentially over the past year, it was inevitable that one daymama Tina would give him “das boot.” Now “WeekendUpdate,” for the first time in the history of the SNL, isco-anchored by two women. How’s that for egalitarian?

And as I sit here rearranging my collection of bronzers andVersace sunglasses, I must give the buzz-kill of the week to theunstoppable rise of metrosexual fashion.

It’s one thing to live in an egalitarian society.It’s quite another to swing the gender pendulum so far thatmales are no longer a distinct sex from females.

At SMU, when a girl gets ready to go out at night, the boy sheused to dress up nice for has become another faceless competitor inthe world of “who can dress the most fashionable?”

I must warn you ladies. Do not — I repeat, DO NOT —advocate or condone the use of hair gels or anything metrosexual innature by your beau. If you continue to be a spectator on thesidelines of your boyfriend’s masculine demise into thedepths of “Mark McGrath Syndrome,” you’ll soonfind yourself not with a handsome lad to take home to mother andfather, but with another platonic friend from whom you can borrow aChi while pre-partying in the sorority house.

Mack Mayo is a junior English major. He can be reached [email protected].