If you’re like me, one of the most awkward moments of life occurs in a tiny compartment known as an elevator. An elevator’s main purpose is to lift or lower people and/or things to certain levels of a building or structure. Inside the elevator, you will find buttons that will take you to the corresponding floor.

Okay, I’m done trying to act smart. Everyone knows what an elevator does. In my dorm, we have one elevator with three buttons: one, two and three.

As I was walking to my residence hall a young female who lives a few doors down saw me and yelled “Hey J.P.!” So I did the gallop thing and accelerated. Not at a run, almost at jog level, but not quite. We made eye contact, we waved and as I got closer she shut the door on me. I know they teach students not to “piggyback” here, but I think it is okay at 3:00 in the afternoon, you know the person because you have two classes with them, they live four doors down from you, you had a conversation about Houston because you’re from the same town and you’ve even hugged once. But hey what do I know, I’m just a writer.

I then had to DRAG my wallet out of my pocket and with much effort scan my card eight or nine times because it never works when I need it to. “You gotta scan it the other way,” my roommate tells me. Thank you. Thank you for that. Oh, the barcode goes on the scanner side? OHHHHH. I thought you swiped it with the picture of my face scanning the barcode, and then the microcomputer inside could recognize my face and then grant me access to my dorm room. Now I understand. Thanks man.

I entered my dorm and stared at the staircase. It stared back, mocking me, almost as if it were saying, “If you climb me, you will fail,” or even, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” (The latter was followed by “Fly you fools!”) So, after Gandalf the Stair Wizard told me not to take the stairs, “One does not simply walk up the stairs to Mordor!” (Let me pause here and say that is the absolute last time I reference Lord of the Rings in my article.) I immediately focused my view on the elevator.

I pushed the “up” button calmly and waited. Man, did this take forever! It had almost been 15 seconds for crying out loud! Finally the doors open and there stood a young chap with a bag labeled “Jimmy Johns”. I nodded and waited for him to exit but he stood there. I took the incentive and entered the elevator. He kind of nodded again and I stood there puzzled. I pushed “two”, and so did he, right after me. Apparently, someone had the idea that pushing the floor button again makes it go faster. Whatever. I think that is the dumbest thing ever. If you see that a button is pushed, it’s not going to change anything by pushing it again, other than shout out to the other people in the elevator, “I’m an idiot and I’m going to the second floor.” I know I’m not the only one who thinks this.

Whatever the point of the story is, take the stairs, they’re better for you.

“In case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.” – The Truman Show

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment [email protected].